I know I haven't really blogged since Jesi went to be with Jesus but today there is so much on my heart that I am trying to sort through. I also haven't blogged because I wanted to make sure that God gets the glory and I am not just whining about life. This is such a small matter in the grand scheme of things and there are people I am praying for that are going through things unimaginable so this seems so very small...nevertheless this my life right now. Don't worry I haven't forgotten that God can make ALL things good and even in the bad stuff I will be blessed exceedingly and abundantly above all I can ask:-) I do believe that and I have lived it but I also know how overwhelmed I am at times. I guess a little background is needed. Last year my ex lost his job and didn't pay any child support for several months. I knew in my heart that God would take care of us but I also knew that my faith needed works and so I ended up working more than one job. God gave me a verse during that time because my flesh so wanted to call their Dad and tell him what he was doing to us...
God gave me this
Exodus 14:14 (The Message)14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"
I actually blogged about it here
http://praiseyouinthisstorm.blogspot.com/2009/02/life.html
So over the year I did keep my mouth shut. The only contact we had was when he texted me about the kids and my answers were always short and to the point. I also was able to start saving things that will work to my advantage later...can't go into that just yet but eventually I will share how God was able to direct my steps:-) Anyway, the ex was eventually garnished and I was able to only work 2 jobs and I still do. We have managed to find a schedule that allows me the maximum time with my children and they are still able to do extracurricular activities such as academic athletes, orchestra, worship team etc It isn't always easy though and more often than not I am exhausted beyond measure. So imagine my surprise when *I was served papers to appear in child support court!! I had 3 weeks to get a lawyer and prepare a case..a bogus case!! He owes ME and he is taking ME to court??!! He is saying that he didn't miss any payments but that is so NOT true and the truth will come out tomorrow. The day after I was served the visiting preacher actually preached on this verse and it was the confirmation I needed to get through the last few weeks. I am not sure what tomorrow will look like but I still know WHO holds tomorrow. I am resting in that fact. I was rereading the verse which is so fitting to me because I have often said Oklahoma was my promised land. The verse is from that story:-) Anyway, today I read the verse right before it..
Exodus 14:13-14 (New International Version)
13 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
So tomorrow I WILL stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord!! Praise God for that!! I know we will be ok no matter what happens and honestly
I am only praying for Gods will and my children's hearts. I don't need revenge because God is fighting this battle for me. He will take care of us because we are His children. My flesh may want something different but fortunately I don't have to live by feelings lol I can live by truth. I just hope and pray this part is OVER for good! One of my hopes in moving to Oklahoma was the divorce wouldn't be messy but I guess that is unrealistic after two decades with someone. sigh. Anyway, long story short...pray?? please?? :-)
3/16/2010
10/14/2009
busy busy busy lol
Angela asked in the comments how I was doing and mentioned my friend Jesi. I will get back to Jesi....I haven't blogged in forever because my life is crazy busy. I know what's new?? lol
Well, here ya go....I got a promotion and changed schools so things have changed there. More money but more responsibility and longer hours. I am still working my second job because I had to buy another vehicle since the accident and I HATE debt. This is my 'new to me' Jeep...Her name is Faith:-) Isn't she pretty?? 
I am so thankful that God made a way where there seemed to be none and I was able to get a great deal and a 6yr warranty:-) YAY no more car repairs for me lol I am still in physical therapy from the car accident so I have to fit in a couple of appts every week to get worked on...so not fun! I am having an MRI on my hip this week so hopefully we can get some answers and finish this part...I am ready to move on!!...I am way too busy for appts every week!
I am so thankful that God made a way where there seemed to be none and I was able to get a great deal and a 6yr warranty:-) YAY no more car repairs for me lol I am still in physical therapy from the car accident so I have to fit in a couple of appts every week to get worked on...so not fun! I am having an MRI on my hip this week so hopefully we can get some answers and finish this part...I am ready to move on!!...I am way too busy for appts every week! My children are doing great in school!! Here they are...
My daughter decided she wanted to play violin so she is taking lessons for that. Now I will have two children making noise...I mean music...in my home:-) I actually fixed up an area in the garage for them lol My middle child is an artist and thankfully that doesn't require noise lol...here is a picture he drew..this isn't very recent but it was the only one I had on the computer:-) he is 12...so doesn't get it from me!! not at all!!!
Ok on to Jesi...I am still in denial
I know I asked on here several times for prayers for my friend, Jesi. She was diagnosed with cancer 3 yrs ago and lost her battle last Friday. She leaves behind 3 beautiful children ages 3, 5 and 11 along with her husband. She was 33. Cancer isn't fair and it doesn't care that you have children. Jesi was an amazing friend and someone I will dearly miss. My life is better having known her...please take some time and read about her here...Jesica's Journey You will not regreat it!! Jesi was real and loved Jesus...what better combination could you ask for? :-)
7/24/2009
Life is certainly never dull around here....
I know I have mentioned on here how MUCH I love the people in my church and how amazing my friends are so I have to share this week with ya....
Wednesday I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch and shopping when I was hit turning onto her street. The girl that hit me was a 17yo unlicensed driver and was driving a minivan. She hit the rear of my car going about 50mph spinning my car out of control. I only stopped when the rear of my car hit a curb and I lost a tire. I was terrified. Honestly I didn't even know what to do so I found my cell and hit last call. I left a crazy message with a friend saying I was in an accident. Anyway, we ended up talking and I told her what happened...in a confused daze..the poor thing! lol The girl I was going to see came running and her neighbor I AM (not) - Natalie Witcher showed up. My other friend, Merci, lived two streets over so she was there also. By the time the fire dept got me out and the ambulance took me to the hospital I had a whole bunch of people praying!! Prayer works people!! I was in the ER surrounded by love. This was written by one of the men in the church about the incident.
Spontaneous Expressions of Community
I saw an example of community yesterday. One of the ladies of our church was involved in a car accident and was taken by ambulance to the emergency room. We got word at the church of the accident, and I went quickly to see about her. When I got there, four women, three of whom were from our church, were already there. They were large and in charge. They were friends of the injured lady and were there, crying, laughing, and talking, but mostly caring.I was completely unnecessary, and it was awesome.No one was waiting for a pastor to appear to determine if anyone cared. No one waited for a career minister to pray and to begin to meet needs. No program was alerted. Women who have developed close relationship through fellowship and discipleship were displaying community without a conscious thought. When the doctor delivered the prognosis of lots of soreness but nothing broken, the ladies had a plan to take her home, see to her children's needs, prepare food, and help with any other issues that would arrive until insurance kicked in.You ladies already know who you are and you are awesome. I was completely impressed and blessed by your spontaneous expression of community in the emergency room yesterday. Bravo to you all.
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That is the love I was shown. The friend I called on the phone is very dear to me and she went to tell my children what happened and take them to her house to swim. I knew she would keep them calm and when it happened all I wanted was for someone to get my children. Lots of things go through your head in an accident. When I left the ER one person brought me home, one shopped for groceries, one picked up my meds and there were people in place to take my kids to church. It was amazing. I was still sick from the meds and trauma so one of the ladies stayed with me so I wasn't alone. Today I had a migraine from the neck spasms so I was taken back to the hospital for different drugs and more tests...again people were just there and my kids were taken care of! Meals are in place, people are here and mostly importantly people are praying. I don't know what I am going to do about another car but I am sure God has a plan. He is taking care of me through His people right now so there is no room for doubt:-) I am sure God is smiling down on His people right now because THIS is the body of Christ in action. This is love people...this is ministry! And I am so blessed to be a part of it...so blessed.
Wednesday I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch and shopping when I was hit turning onto her street. The girl that hit me was a 17yo unlicensed driver and was driving a minivan. She hit the rear of my car going about 50mph spinning my car out of control. I only stopped when the rear of my car hit a curb and I lost a tire. I was terrified. Honestly I didn't even know what to do so I found my cell and hit last call. I left a crazy message with a friend saying I was in an accident. Anyway, we ended up talking and I told her what happened...in a confused daze..the poor thing! lol The girl I was going to see came running and her neighbor I AM (not) - Natalie Witcher showed up. My other friend, Merci, lived two streets over so she was there also. By the time the fire dept got me out and the ambulance took me to the hospital I had a whole bunch of people praying!! Prayer works people!! I was in the ER surrounded by love. This was written by one of the men in the church about the incident.
Spontaneous Expressions of Community
I saw an example of community yesterday. One of the ladies of our church was involved in a car accident and was taken by ambulance to the emergency room. We got word at the church of the accident, and I went quickly to see about her. When I got there, four women, three of whom were from our church, were already there. They were large and in charge. They were friends of the injured lady and were there, crying, laughing, and talking, but mostly caring.I was completely unnecessary, and it was awesome.No one was waiting for a pastor to appear to determine if anyone cared. No one waited for a career minister to pray and to begin to meet needs. No program was alerted. Women who have developed close relationship through fellowship and discipleship were displaying community without a conscious thought. When the doctor delivered the prognosis of lots of soreness but nothing broken, the ladies had a plan to take her home, see to her children's needs, prepare food, and help with any other issues that would arrive until insurance kicked in.You ladies already know who you are and you are awesome. I was completely impressed and blessed by your spontaneous expression of community in the emergency room yesterday. Bravo to you all.
***********
That is the love I was shown. The friend I called on the phone is very dear to me and she went to tell my children what happened and take them to her house to swim. I knew she would keep them calm and when it happened all I wanted was for someone to get my children. Lots of things go through your head in an accident. When I left the ER one person brought me home, one shopped for groceries, one picked up my meds and there were people in place to take my kids to church. It was amazing. I was still sick from the meds and trauma so one of the ladies stayed with me so I wasn't alone. Today I had a migraine from the neck spasms so I was taken back to the hospital for different drugs and more tests...again people were just there and my kids were taken care of! Meals are in place, people are here and mostly importantly people are praying. I don't know what I am going to do about another car but I am sure God has a plan. He is taking care of me through His people right now so there is no room for doubt:-) I am sure God is smiling down on His people right now because THIS is the body of Christ in action. This is love people...this is ministry! And I am so blessed to be a part of it...so blessed.
7/07/2009
Sooooo it started like any other week....
This so wasn't funny at the time but I guess I have to find the humor in everything...I can laugh today but last week NOT. SO. MUCH! So it starts out like most and that is with me having a very full week... I love hanging out with friends and I don't care if we are just running errands I enjoy them a LOT:-) So Monday morn I dropped off my middle child at camp and I notice one of the ladies looked overwhelmed. I quickly remembered that her dh is in the military and away right now...oh and this is how single I am!!! I was thinking how hard it must be for her while he is away with all of those kids! lol like *I* had some man to help me lol Soooo we decide to do coffee and I am going to see what I can do to fix this...I am a fixer...she is young but has a problem with her hips so yardwork is painful for her.... so YAY I can fix this!! I LOVE mowing!! on the way back to her house the waterpump in her van goes out...she is having a bad day! So I start on the yard....It was getting late by the time we finished so we decided to make a night of it and have a slumber party! She has an Emily that is MY Emily's age so we ate and watched movies till all hours of the night. The next day I left and went to lunch with another friend and the week still seemed to be going well...I was SO SORE from the yard but it was all good. Wednesday morning I decide we need an oil change and it is ladies day so I go...when it came time to restart my car it wouldn't start. In the bay!! All of these men are looking at me and I am thinking WTHeck lol It was running fine just a minute ago! Finally I get it started and I drive to autozone to have them run a check. In my head it sounded like the alternator. It tested with bad diodes but we couldn't test the starter since the car was having issues starting. Once I got it started I went straight home and got the Explorer...oh wait did I tell ya'll my car was hit the week before? Instead of getting a rental and costing the insurance company I used my friends Explorer that I quickly named Dora.. They had left town so I still had it and I tm'd my friend and told her I was going to use it to pick up a new alternator to put in my car. Yes I said *I* was going to put it in. I also had to squeeze in a Dr appt and ice cream cuz I bribed myself to go lol...then I came home and tm'd my youth pastor to tell him I wouldn't be at church and arrange rides for my kids who do NOT understand missing church!...I put it in and all is well except the car is now CLICKING...ok THAT sound is the starter! Dangit!! BUT the alternator had bad diodes so HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT BOTH WENT OUT? Apparently it IS because they DID! TOGETHER! I am NOT getting under the car with MY jack in my slanted driveway so I get my neighbor and we negotiate a price. After he takes out the starter we take it to get a new one and I make them test BOTH of the ones that were just removed and they really were both bad! Only ME lol So he puts the starter in and we go for a test drive...only NOW my battery light is glowing. Not good. So Thursday morn I drive back to Pep Boys (I bought one part at AZ and one at PB) and they test the car. The alternator I JUST PUT IN wasn't good!! So I do what any grown up does...I cry...in the middle of Pep Boys because I AM A GIRL lol Actually that is what I said. My friend tm me about something totally different and I tell her I am crying in PB. Sooo her dh calls me and asks what he can do to fix this...I tell him NOTHING will fix the fact that I once again have to remove and put in an alternator. He offers to pay them or do it himself cuz my friends are awesome like that but I say no because I am stubborn like that;-) I tell him to make yesterday go away and he totally makes me laugh because he started praying for the day before to disappear....I finish my breakdown and Pep Boys offers to go get another one from another store for ME to put in again. I am not happy but what can I do?? My friends dh offers to put it in that night but I figured I can do it even if I didn't want to. I just need to suck it up and deal. I go home and decide that if I HAVE to do it I am not only going to put it in but I will cook dinner at the same time...yes, that was my fit lol So I do both and when I start it up the battery light is blinking...okay that isn't any better!! So now I realize I am going to miss the Bible study that night because I have to figure this out...not happy! I take it BACK to PB and they run a test again and this time they decide the regulator in the alternator is bad...AGAIN I have a bad alternator!! AGAIN I have to change it!! No tears this time because now it doesn't seem real. How is this possible?? My friend tm me to let me know her dh will put it in at 7pm and I tell her that I already did and it is BAD! AGAIN!! She tells me to park my car and we will go eat Thai food lol Food makes everything better:-) PB agrees that they will get me a part on Friday and THEY will put it in...so with that and dinner with someone that makes me laugh I am ok:-) God is good and He always puts the right people in my life even if they lecture me about not accepting help. Friday morning I call PB and ask what time is a good time because I have a party to attend that evening. They have now changed their mind and decide to give me my money back...which means I will STILL have to go buy another alternator and put it in MYSELF. AND since they were the cheapest this was now going to cost me MORE money! I had already spent close to $500 by this time!! I ask him what changed and he gives me some story about how he believes it is my pigtail...I think he was surprised that I knew what that was and I ask him how I could have 3 different problems that were NOT related to the CONNECTOR?!! he starts talking over me and I shut down and tell him I will call him back...really what I meant was I will find a man to call you and make you do what you said lol UGH nobody is home so I have to do this myself. I do NOT do confrontation well! I drove up there and had to find a voice that I really don't have. I kept telling them to quit talking to me like I was some girl when the day before I stood there crying telling them I was a girl lol BUT I was NOT being unreasonable so after they realized I was not backing down they agreed to put in a new alternator. This one works:-) Sooo after many hours, several hundred dollars, a new starter and 3 alternators later my car is working! So what could I possibly find to be thankful in this story???
I totally forgot I was single when I offered to help someone else since their dh was gone...when you get outside yourself to help others you forget where you are at!! I was thinking how could she do it when I forgot *I do it everyday alone...well, not alone but without a man:-)
physically I am still able to do things like yard work...
it did cost me almost $500 BUT I HAD IT which is nothing short of a miracle since my ex owes me almost $4000.
I could actually do the repair myself and I didn't even charge myself labor:-)
My neighbor was reasonable with his labor cost for the starter.
I had another vehicle to drive so I was never stranded.
I found out I can demand something without being rude. I do have a voice.
I have wonderful friends that could make me laugh in the middle of it all.
I missed the Bible study but two of the women stopped by that night and brought me coffee and sang to me:-)
I know that I truly AM blessed and although none of what happened was ideal... I am ok. It wasn't easy and I did fall apart..in the middle of a pep boys!!! BUT I am human...I have emotions and I guess it is ok to use them lol
I am a work in progress but at least I haven't stopped trying:-)
I AM a child of God and I am ALWAYS thankful for that!
My kids are the most amazing kids on the earth and I wouldn't trade them for anything. My oldest son even gave me a pep talk about how God always takes care of us while I was choking back tears. My middle one came home from camp on Friday and made the whole situation funny by making fun of me crying lol He is soooo funny!!! And my baby girl is just so responsible that she made sure things were getting done while I played mechanic:-) Seee I AM blessed if I just don't focus on the bad stuff!
I totally forgot I was single when I offered to help someone else since their dh was gone...when you get outside yourself to help others you forget where you are at!! I was thinking how could she do it when I forgot *I do it everyday alone...well, not alone but without a man:-)
physically I am still able to do things like yard work...
it did cost me almost $500 BUT I HAD IT which is nothing short of a miracle since my ex owes me almost $4000.
I could actually do the repair myself and I didn't even charge myself labor:-)
My neighbor was reasonable with his labor cost for the starter.
I had another vehicle to drive so I was never stranded.
I found out I can demand something without being rude. I do have a voice.
I have wonderful friends that could make me laugh in the middle of it all.
I missed the Bible study but two of the women stopped by that night and brought me coffee and sang to me:-)
I know that I truly AM blessed and although none of what happened was ideal... I am ok. It wasn't easy and I did fall apart..in the middle of a pep boys!!! BUT I am human...I have emotions and I guess it is ok to use them lol
I am a work in progress but at least I haven't stopped trying:-)
I AM a child of God and I am ALWAYS thankful for that!
My kids are the most amazing kids on the earth and I wouldn't trade them for anything. My oldest son even gave me a pep talk about how God always takes care of us while I was choking back tears. My middle one came home from camp on Friday and made the whole situation funny by making fun of me crying lol He is soooo funny!!! And my baby girl is just so responsible that she made sure things were getting done while I played mechanic:-) Seee I AM blessed if I just don't focus on the bad stuff!
6/23/2009
Fathers Day Ramblings
I made it through another Fathers Day!! One day I will be able to say I made it through without tears but at this rate it may be on the OTHER side of heaven! Honestly I would love one Fathers Day where I didn't have to be reminded that we are a statistic or this is hard on the children. Omgosh I know it is! It's hard on me! Everyday that I have to give this back to God and go in His strength I remember that fact...BUT I am thankful that I had a handful of men that I was able to thank for the role they play in my children's lives. 
I am thankful that there are men that take my Daughter to a Daddy/Daughter dance,
1 Cor19-23Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! ...
These verses became so much more to me. I saw them in action!
I am thankful that there are men that take my Daughter to a Daddy/Daughter dance, my sons to ballgames, shooting guns,
camping, etc...those are HUGE in my childrens lives. This year I was blessed with people that knew I had to work and would just come pick them up and take them somewhere! anywhere!!It is the little things that mean the most! My children will always remember the memories they are making and the friendships they are forming. They haven't complained one time about not going to Florida this summer and I don't think they miss it! That is a direct answer to prayer! We have also been blessed with friends that have pools;-)We have been swimming more times than I can count! And to little kids that were raised in Florida that seems to be important lol It's going to be another 100 degree day so these are good things! Aside from their pools I am just so blessed in the friendship department that I DO thank God daily for the people HE placed in my life.
camping, etc...those are HUGE in my childrens lives. This year I was blessed with people that knew I had to work and would just come pick them up and take them somewhere! anywhere!!It is the little things that mean the most! My children will always remember the memories they are making and the friendships they are forming. They haven't complained one time about not going to Florida this summer and I don't think they miss it! That is a direct answer to prayer! We have also been blessed with friends that have pools;-)We have been swimming more times than I can count! And to little kids that were raised in Florida that seems to be important lol It's going to be another 100 degree day so these are good things! Aside from their pools I am just so blessed in the friendship department that I DO thank God daily for the people HE placed in my life. Now for the rambling part lol This Sunday our church did a community event...we are known for them so they are always big! My gifting isn't planning and organization so I have always been someone on the "outside" of the event. I don't mind helping but the planning part is left to those who can plan. Trust me it isn't me! I wanted to plan a surprise birthday party and was in tears trying to plan around peoples vacation schedules, family events etc...it is NOT my gifting! I pulled it off as you can see from this pic but not without tears and God lol
I have been called to come up along side those planning and be their cheerleaders lol that is MY comfort zone! Anyway, this year I caught a small glimpse of what goes into the planning. I watched someone spend 3 months of their life praying, stressing, making calls, handing out flyers, going to events etc...I watched them do it just because they are obedient and that is who they are.... When they went to places that nobody else would go because "good Christians" don't go there I was reminded of these verses...
I have been called to come up along side those planning and be their cheerleaders lol that is MY comfort zone! Anyway, this year I caught a small glimpse of what goes into the planning. I watched someone spend 3 months of their life praying, stressing, making calls, handing out flyers, going to events etc...I watched them do it just because they are obedient and that is who they are.... When they went to places that nobody else would go because "good Christians" don't go there I was reminded of these verses... 1 Cor19-23Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! ...
These verses became so much more to me. I saw them in action!
It made me ask some hard questions!
What are WE doing daily to reach those who don't ever step foot in a church?
are we going to places that nobody else would be seen in?
who is going to share the love of Christ with them if WE don't?
I saw an event that some may see as work become a labor of love...not something that people can see "hey I did this...look at all the work I did" but as something that was WAY bigger than we even know. I saw connections being made! I saw something beyond what we realize. There are people that worked on this that will never get the credit they deserve BUT I know in heaven they will see the full picture. They will see the lives that were reached. They will see the full impact! I am a people watcher so on Sunday I looked around and saw people that have never been to our church come because it looked like fun lol We had cars and motorcycles and free food! Who wouldn't want to come! But I wondered if when they came they felt the love that we have inside the church. I prayed that people would walk around and not just talk to their friends but look for new faces...will these people come back next week? I am not pointing fingers at ANYone because these are the questions I asked MYSELF. Did I spend too much time with MY friends and not enough reaching out?? This WAS an outreach so did we do our part?? I don't have the answers but it has been on my heart since Saturday night. Sure I prayed all night but did *I* follow through on what God wanted from His people?? what He wanted from ME??Just questions that I don't have answers for.....
Anyway, my prayer is those that worked behind the scenes will know how much of an impact they made for the kingdom....that those who didn't come will still feel that pull to come...for those that did come they will return and find outstretched arms. I pray that in ALL of this God will be glorified and not the people. That is what it was about...celebrating Fathers Day with the greatest Father there is:-)
Anyway, my prayer is those that worked behind the scenes will know how much of an impact they made for the kingdom....that those who didn't come will still feel that pull to come...for those that did come they will return and find outstretched arms. I pray that in ALL of this God will be glorified and not the people. That is what it was about...celebrating Fathers Day with the greatest Father there is:-)
6/16/2009
Ok...so...here I am:-)
It didn't take me this long to get my attitude in check lol I was just that busy!
This year started out so unlike what I expected. January is still such a blur because there was SO MUCH heartache and not just with my ex. My whole life started spinning out of control.... I won't go into all the details but a lot of things happened in the span of 2 weeks. Things that broke my heart in ways that surprised even me. I always thought my walls were higher but I have let them down with some and what I thought would happen did! I was hurt BUT I was also loved more than I ever imagined:-) So I have learned that letting my walls down wasn't entirely bad and I have no intention of putting them back up. I received way more love than I did hurt. And in the hurt I learned that even relationships that you think are healthy may not be. I don't want to use my past as an excuse but there are some things I am still learning. This time I learned that I need and want to be loved where I am at...I don't want someone trying to change me...that is Gods job and not someone elses. It was a good lesson and one I won't forget:-) Soooo friendships were reevaluated and one ended but the ones that remained have become so much stronger and for that I AM blessed! I have an amazing circle of friends. Friends that love me for who I am ....warts and all:-) I know I have faults and I am always growing but I don't need someone to point them out...just point out God and He will take care of the details;-) Truly I am beyond blessed because I believe life shouldn't be lived alone. Love and laughter are meant to be shared. I love my friends so much and they are an important part of my life. I hope each and every one know how important they are to me and how MUCH I love them. I purposed a long time ago to tell people how I really feel. Call me a big mush if you want but I don't want to miss an opportunity for someone to feel loved.....
Ok now to what has kept me from blogging...omgosh work! Now that school is out I feel like I can breathe! My ex didn't pay child support for 4 months and that totally hurt me financially but not like you would think. God had perfect timing and took care of all the details. I was pushed beyond tired...I didn't do this whole thing with grace and there were many tears and me asking God WHY WHY WHY!! I have been working more than one job and on some days I would come home and change for the next. I was tired! God knew that and took care of me when I didn't think I could go on. God used His people to encourage me...I remember going to church one morning totally exhausted and choking back tears...a lady that I didn't know brought over a little paper that I now carry around. It had some encouraging words and this verse...Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."...there were some other things written and I just felt like I got a hug from God telling me I could do this.. but in His strength! There were also days that I would come home physically exhausted and thinking I couldn't go one more day working 15 and 16 hour days back to back...I just didn't think I could and I would walk in my house and it would be spotless. My kids had to pull together during this time and they were cleaning but not like Mama would do it kwim? I have amazing friends that came while I was at work and cleaned everything. The Friday before Mother's Day I came home to not only the house cleaned but a roast cooking and dessert made! On the table there were fresh flowers and my place was set with a note and a card...oh my gosh that is something I will never forget and I will most definitely pass on when I get the chance. Those things were what got me through because I knew I was NOT alone..I not only had God but I had the whole body of Christ! God even took care of the finances...things like my cell phone bill that went down $600 a year!! That was actually cool..I remember sitting in church and knowing that God would have to work a miracle for us to come out of this ok. I remembered the verse in Malachi that said we could test Him so I did. I literally wrote out my tithe check and said "ok God show me" and the next day my cell company offered me a loyal customer rate. It wasn't something I went seeking out...they offered it to ME! I knew that was the just the beginning so I haven't missed tithing since that day lol I figured I couldn't afford to if we were gonna make it out of this without being homeless!! I couldn't cut expenses because we already live debt free so it took miracles like that ...or the time I paid my light bill and realized with the average billing I was a month ahead and there was nothing owed! Or the water bill I overpaid so it was nothing!...or the time I house sat for friends and they paid me VERY well. Between God's miracles and my paychecks (which also come from God) we were able to make it without being late or missing ONE bill or my kids going hungry! I have received two payments and the ex has reopened our entire case....oh my word he is trying to make this messy BUT I continue to hold onto the verse Exodus 14:14 (The Message)14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"
The only contact we have had since Feb was in text message when he asked me about sending the kids to Florida. I explained my reasons why I was NOT sending them and that was the end. I was very matter of fact and didn't let my emotions enter the conversation. I do realize visitation is court ordered but I believe my reasons are valid. Plus he missed the cutoff on letting me know which weeks so we made other plans. My kids will be attending camp and my oldest will start his first job! I can't believe he is that old!! I am only working Friday and Saturday nights and even that is totally flexible. I love my second job!
This is the first summer I have had them since we moved to Oklahoma and I am totally excited about having them!! Anyway, that is where we are at...I am in the middle of a reopened case but trusting God because He never fails! I am off my main job until school starts back and enjoying the fact I work for the school system lol My life is full and my friendships are rewarding! I am SOOOO blessed even when I am tired:-) I will try to be better about blogging now that I am not working so much! Ok off to enjoy my littles....again thanks to all who emailed me!
This year started out so unlike what I expected. January is still such a blur because there was SO MUCH heartache and not just with my ex. My whole life started spinning out of control.... I won't go into all the details but a lot of things happened in the span of 2 weeks. Things that broke my heart in ways that surprised even me. I always thought my walls were higher but I have let them down with some and what I thought would happen did! I was hurt BUT I was also loved more than I ever imagined:-) So I have learned that letting my walls down wasn't entirely bad and I have no intention of putting them back up. I received way more love than I did hurt. And in the hurt I learned that even relationships that you think are healthy may not be. I don't want to use my past as an excuse but there are some things I am still learning. This time I learned that I need and want to be loved where I am at...I don't want someone trying to change me...that is Gods job and not someone elses. It was a good lesson and one I won't forget:-) Soooo friendships were reevaluated and one ended but the ones that remained have become so much stronger and for that I AM blessed! I have an amazing circle of friends. Friends that love me for who I am ....warts and all:-) I know I have faults and I am always growing but I don't need someone to point them out...just point out God and He will take care of the details;-) Truly I am beyond blessed because I believe life shouldn't be lived alone. Love and laughter are meant to be shared. I love my friends so much and they are an important part of my life. I hope each and every one know how important they are to me and how MUCH I love them. I purposed a long time ago to tell people how I really feel. Call me a big mush if you want but I don't want to miss an opportunity for someone to feel loved.....
Ok now to what has kept me from blogging...omgosh work! Now that school is out I feel like I can breathe! My ex didn't pay child support for 4 months and that totally hurt me financially but not like you would think. God had perfect timing and took care of all the details. I was pushed beyond tired...I didn't do this whole thing with grace and there were many tears and me asking God WHY WHY WHY!! I have been working more than one job and on some days I would come home and change for the next. I was tired! God knew that and took care of me when I didn't think I could go on. God used His people to encourage me...I remember going to church one morning totally exhausted and choking back tears...a lady that I didn't know brought over a little paper that I now carry around. It had some encouraging words and this verse...Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."...there were some other things written and I just felt like I got a hug from God telling me I could do this.. but in His strength! There were also days that I would come home physically exhausted and thinking I couldn't go one more day working 15 and 16 hour days back to back...I just didn't think I could and I would walk in my house and it would be spotless. My kids had to pull together during this time and they were cleaning but not like Mama would do it kwim? I have amazing friends that came while I was at work and cleaned everything. The Friday before Mother's Day I came home to not only the house cleaned but a roast cooking and dessert made! On the table there were fresh flowers and my place was set with a note and a card...oh my gosh that is something I will never forget and I will most definitely pass on when I get the chance. Those things were what got me through because I knew I was NOT alone..I not only had God but I had the whole body of Christ! God even took care of the finances...things like my cell phone bill that went down $600 a year!! That was actually cool..I remember sitting in church and knowing that God would have to work a miracle for us to come out of this ok. I remembered the verse in Malachi that said we could test Him so I did. I literally wrote out my tithe check and said "ok God show me" and the next day my cell company offered me a loyal customer rate. It wasn't something I went seeking out...they offered it to ME! I knew that was the just the beginning so I haven't missed tithing since that day lol I figured I couldn't afford to if we were gonna make it out of this without being homeless!! I couldn't cut expenses because we already live debt free so it took miracles like that ...or the time I paid my light bill and realized with the average billing I was a month ahead and there was nothing owed! Or the water bill I overpaid so it was nothing!...or the time I house sat for friends and they paid me VERY well. Between God's miracles and my paychecks (which also come from God) we were able to make it without being late or missing ONE bill or my kids going hungry! I have received two payments and the ex has reopened our entire case....oh my word he is trying to make this messy BUT I continue to hold onto the verse Exodus 14:14 (The Message)14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"
The only contact we have had since Feb was in text message when he asked me about sending the kids to Florida. I explained my reasons why I was NOT sending them and that was the end. I was very matter of fact and didn't let my emotions enter the conversation. I do realize visitation is court ordered but I believe my reasons are valid. Plus he missed the cutoff on letting me know which weeks so we made other plans. My kids will be attending camp and my oldest will start his first job! I can't believe he is that old!! I am only working Friday and Saturday nights and even that is totally flexible. I love my second job!
This is the first summer I have had them since we moved to Oklahoma and I am totally excited about having them!! Anyway, that is where we are at...I am in the middle of a reopened case but trusting God because He never fails! I am off my main job until school starts back and enjoying the fact I work for the school system lol My life is full and my friendships are rewarding! I am SOOOO blessed even when I am tired:-) I will try to be better about blogging now that I am not working so much! Ok off to enjoy my littles....again thanks to all who emailed me!
4/29/2009
I'm back and overwhelmed
I am here and I promise I will update as soon as I get my attitude in check. Right now it stinks and everything I say will come out whiny. My 38 days were amazing and my spiritual walk has grown..but I am tired and that makes life FEEL overwhelming. In a nutshell I am working 3 jobs right now because my ex is behind several months in child support and I still have 3 kids to feed. The justice system works slowly BUT things are happening...see he has been served papers:-)
04-21-2009 NO - 57249876 Apr 22 2009 11:30:40:060AM - $ 0.00
NOTICE OF REDIRECTION OF SUPPORT PAYMENTS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
04-24-2009 CERTS - 57293191 Apr 27 2009 2:11:16:980PM - $ 0.00
CERTIFICATE OF SERVICE
I don't understand the logic behind NOT wanting to take care of your kids but that is for God to take care of...all I can do is pray and work...and work..and work and work some more. God has so taken care of us and I don't want to leave that out..He is in this and taking care of all the details! I KNOW that and I haven't forgotten and everyday I give Him thanks...BUT I am physically beyond exhausted! I thought I knew tired before but I was mistaken. The ex has 45 days to respond so hopefully the support will start up again this summer. Anyway, I wanted to share an AMAZING blog post from a dear friend that I adore. She wrote it after someone made a comment on my facebook about God not giving us more than we can handle. I want to be clear that the person that made it is a sweetheart and didn't mean ANYthing and was just trying to encourage me. Out of that came this post and you have to read it because it is brillant and so true. Most of us our fixers and want so much to fix things but sometimes things just are what they are....so go read this:-)
http://pixiemarierose.blogspot.com/2009/04/misquoted-scripture.html
I promise I will be back and share all the amazing blessings that God has provided for us during this stressful time. I truly AM blessed and I know that! I am walking in blessings but I am walking slowly because my body wasn't meant to work this hard lol Thanks to all of those that have emailed to check on me! It is nice to be missed:-)
04-21-2009 NO - 57249876 Apr 22 2009 11:30:40:060AM - $ 0.00
NOTICE OF REDIRECTION OF SUPPORT PAYMENTS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
04-24-2009 CERTS - 57293191 Apr 27 2009 2:11:16:980PM - $ 0.00
CERTIFICATE OF SERVICE
I don't understand the logic behind NOT wanting to take care of your kids but that is for God to take care of...all I can do is pray and work...and work..and work and work some more. God has so taken care of us and I don't want to leave that out..He is in this and taking care of all the details! I KNOW that and I haven't forgotten and everyday I give Him thanks...BUT I am physically beyond exhausted! I thought I knew tired before but I was mistaken. The ex has 45 days to respond so hopefully the support will start up again this summer. Anyway, I wanted to share an AMAZING blog post from a dear friend that I adore. She wrote it after someone made a comment on my facebook about God not giving us more than we can handle. I want to be clear that the person that made it is a sweetheart and didn't mean ANYthing and was just trying to encourage me. Out of that came this post and you have to read it because it is brillant and so true. Most of us our fixers and want so much to fix things but sometimes things just are what they are....so go read this:-)
http://pixiemarierose.blogspot.com/2009/04/misquoted-scripture.html
I promise I will be back and share all the amazing blessings that God has provided for us during this stressful time. I truly AM blessed and I know that! I am walking in blessings but I am walking slowly because my body wasn't meant to work this hard lol Thanks to all of those that have emailed to check on me! It is nice to be missed:-)
3/12/2009
MIA
I will be MIA till the 20th of April. I thought I would explain so everyone doesn't all worry at once;-) I know when I get too busy to blog I start getting emails and since I won't be online to answer them I wanted to clear it up here:-) I am OKAY! For the most part my life is great! I have the best friends and the best church. I love my job and I love the teenagers I get to see daily. Sure my ex hasn't paid child support so that hasn't changed but my God hasn't changed either...He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow!! SOOOO I am not supposed to worry right?? ;-) He is my Jehovah Jireh and that is what I am standing on. I am just going to take a break because I am doing a "discipleship guide" that last 38 days and during that time it suggests that we give up the one thing that could be a distraction...the computer really is the only one I have or the only thing I do daily...And it isn't going to be easy! When I was married the computer was my only outlet. I wasn't allowed to have friends so I was pretty isolated...it is part of being in an abusive marriage. I compensated by having online friendships that have lasted 14+ yrs...I am so blessed that some of them have turned into real friends that live in the same state:-) On the computer I found support when I was struggling with infertility and pregnancy losses...I found friends when I couldn't leave the house...In some of those friends I saw Jesus and remembered that I once had a relationship with Him and was able to rekindle that love:-) I was part of a prayer loop when I was taking care of my dying MIL...Those same people that went through infertility, nursing etc were also the same people that were there "online" when I made the decision to get out. They are the ones that encouraged me and prayed with me. That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make but God put people in my life to walk through it with me...even if they were online lol But right now I am trying so hard to go deeper in my walk and if giving up the computer for 38 days will allow me to grow then I am all for it. God is and will always be my EVERYTHING. He will be the one person that will ALWAYS be in my life when others come and go...I want to know Him in ways that I never have. I want His will for my life in all that I do. I want His heart:-) SOOOO all that to say... I will be back April 20th so don't anyone worry that I am sitting home in some pit or stressing about the what ifs in my life! I really AM fine!! If you feel the need to pray then please pray for my ex...his actions are hurting his children and I can't do a thing to protect them from it. I can only show them that *I am trusting God to take care of us and hopefully my faith will help them be ok with what is going on. Hopefully something will change his heart and he will decide to take care of his children and his responsibility. Until then I know God has us in His righteous right hand and we will be ok. I will also have to make some hard decisions if my ex doesn't do something soon and that will include a second job...Anyway, I am not worrying lol have fun without me!!
2/27/2009
Life
Life is always happening around here. I haven't wanted to blog because I don't want to sound whiny about my life when I really AM happy 98% of the time lol So here is what is going on and you can join me in praying.... My ex lost his job well over a month ago so he hasn't paid child support at ALL. I do NOT make enough to pay the bills without child support. We still have 3 children that I am raising and I know deep down he is working somewhere. He just isn't paying since they can no longer garnish his wages...His Dad owns a chain of restaurants and his latest girlfriend has her own business so I am not buying the unemployed line. SOOOO I am trusting God that He has a plan. Most of the time I really DO and I have peace. I have no problem sleeping at night and I do not lie awake thinking about how to fix this so I have grown:-) The old me would have stressed herself sick trying to figure this out. I will say that God has wonderful timing so this couldn't have happened at a better time and I am sure that is helping my faith level. My bills are paid and my kids aren't hungry so what more could I ask for? Eventually he will have to pay or go to jail but the wheels of justice move slowly. So I trust but this time not with blind faith. I am standing on Gods Word and I pulled out all of the verses that applied so I know what promises I am standing on..and it works!! Then someone at work said something the other day that made me think...I mean really think! I say I am a Christian so people are watching how I react to life. Do I fall apart? am I stressing out? Do I look like I am happy or have peace? what am I doing to make them want Jesus? How is my witness to those that are lost? Are you wondering what they said that made me get all deep and think lol I had to leave ON TIME to get to an appt with child support enforcement and I just said I had to make sure I left because I had an appt. I didn't mention what it was for and they asked if everyone was ok. They thought it was a Dr appt. Anyway, I said that the ex had lost his job and hadn't been paying support so I needed to get it on record...it is a violation of the court order and he is in contempt. I am not trying to be mean to him. My co-worker just looked at me with sad eyes and said something to the effect of how was I going to make it? I told them that Billy wasn't my provider that God is still my Jehovah Jireh and I meant it. Then on the way to the appt I started thinking that what if I had fallen apart and had been living like I didn't have faith..this has been going on for over a month....would that have hurt my witness? Yes, I AM human and that is allowed but what if I didn't get right back up when I fell? what if I stayed in that pit? what would possibly make them want a life without faith? So I started thinking about that 'intentional witness' that we have been talking about at church and small groups. Do people see ME as a Christ Follower or just like everyone else they know? Do I laugh at the same things the world does? Do I love the same way? Am I compassionate with my friends? Do they know they can depend on me or call if they need anything or am I selfish with my time? How I react to the child support situation will show my ex where I am with God also so I have to be careful about what I say and how I do this:-/ That truth made me say OUCH! Oh my flesh wants SOOOOO much to tell him he is being a deadbeat dad and a few other things but Saturday evening I felt like I was given this verse
Exodus 14:14 (The Message)
14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"
Then on Sunday night the guy preaching (my pastor was in Kenya) was talking about the disciples being on the boat and panicking in the storm and they woke Jesus up and he told them to BE QUIET and BE STILL! I was like OK I GET IT!! I will BE QUIET and let YOU fight this battle for me. That doesn't mean I don't file charges but it does mean I keep my mouth shut with the ex lol I did let him know that I was going to the appt and the choice was his to pay or have to go to court but I was really nice about it. I just didn't want to feel like I did it behind his back. Now the hard part is to wait...and to trust in the waiting and not let this take over my thoughts or my life. I know the harsh reality if I don't get child support soon but I also know that God won't let that happen. He did not bring me to Oklahoma to watch my kids go hungry or be homeless. He has plans and those plans are to prosper us and NOT harm us. I can rest in that...In the waiting I need to be intentional about my life and what others are seeing. Not fake but I SHOULD have something more..I should have the fruits of the spirit in me! I should have peace that passes all understanding and if I don't I need to get in the Word and spend time with my God until I do. People are watching and what am I doing to further the kingdom? what is my witness?? this verse sums up my desire....
Philippians 4:4-7 (The Message)
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Exodus 14:14 (The Message)
14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"
Then on Sunday night the guy preaching (my pastor was in Kenya) was talking about the disciples being on the boat and panicking in the storm and they woke Jesus up and he told them to BE QUIET and BE STILL! I was like OK I GET IT!! I will BE QUIET and let YOU fight this battle for me. That doesn't mean I don't file charges but it does mean I keep my mouth shut with the ex lol I did let him know that I was going to the appt and the choice was his to pay or have to go to court but I was really nice about it. I just didn't want to feel like I did it behind his back. Now the hard part is to wait...and to trust in the waiting and not let this take over my thoughts or my life. I know the harsh reality if I don't get child support soon but I also know that God won't let that happen. He did not bring me to Oklahoma to watch my kids go hungry or be homeless. He has plans and those plans are to prosper us and NOT harm us. I can rest in that...In the waiting I need to be intentional about my life and what others are seeing. Not fake but I SHOULD have something more..I should have the fruits of the spirit in me! I should have peace that passes all understanding and if I don't I need to get in the Word and spend time with my God until I do. People are watching and what am I doing to further the kingdom? what is my witness?? this verse sums up my desire....
Philippians 4:4-7 (The Message)
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
1/21/2009
Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing Music Video
I am so in love with this song right now:-) Enjoy!!
1/01/2009
Happy 2009!!!
because I am not a bottom line person and I am wordy you might want to grab a cup of coffee before you read this:-) I am an extremely sentimental person and very reflective. It helps that I have a great memory too!!
I sat down yesterday to not only consume massive amounts of sugar and food but to reflect on 2008. It wasn't a great year but I learned SO MUCH in all of the pain.
2008 started out with a coworker burying her teenager. A teenager that attended the school where I work...Nothing like starting out the year with that:-( Feb brought more heartache when I had to watch two dear friends deal with major medical things...brain tumors and ovarian cancer!! Both are going through chemo now and doing well BUT Feb/March of last year wasn't so hopeful. I also went through the court ordeal and became single after 18yrs of marriage. You don't spend almost two decades with someone and that NOT hurt. That hurt way worse than anyone will ever know or understand unless they have been there. Those who saw me on my "anniversary" this December know how hard this has been. I know that people don't understand watching a wedding video or sitting in a self made pit on that day but it hurt. I can't explain that to those who haven't been there. This summer was also difficult and I had to go back to Florida after almost 2yrs and face family. Family that wasn't happy about my decision to leave!! There was MUCH prayer and support and it turned out great and restoration happened. This summer also had unspeakable things happen and the enemy tried to destroy me..literally....BUT what satan meant for harm God used to bless my socks off!!! It isn't anything I will share in such a public forum BUT I am truly ok!! I even had surgery this Sept because I hadn't been through enough lol Again God took care of me and my children!! Even this Christmas was a gift from Him. My kids Dad didn't show up again after a lot of empty promises! That makes every court ordered holiday this year except the summer when he HAD to return them home! This isn't easy on them either! Oh but they are covered in prayer and I have men in their lives that hopefully will make up for their Dad.
I have seen the hand of God because I am IN IT!! He holds me in His righteous right hand!!
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version)
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I have also seen joy unspeakable! I have developed friendships with women that were God ordained. I learned my gifts and how to use them...mostly lol I was called last February to be an intercessor to someone and that has taught me SO MUCH about listening to that still small voice! Amazing how much God speaks to us when we listen....when we sit long enough in silence to hear Him...there is NOTHING like it!! That turned out to be a blessing to me!! I sat yesterday and thought I could sit here and dwell on the negative but really the growth in me came OUT of the pain. I wouldn't know that I could survive anything had I not been through it! And I wouldn't have learned to totally lean on God! I am not saying I need or want to experience pain but dangit I am gonna learn something through it or its would just seem like a cruel joke! God has taught me SO MUCH this year!! I used to be that person that would immediately jump to worse case scenario which earned me the nickname "Cliff" (waving at Jesi!!) since I would go to the cliff! That doesn't describe me anymore!! I have been freed from something that my entire family does! I no longer operate in "my weakness area of worry" (that was for you C!) because I KNOW that God is in control. I have learned to give it to God! HUGE for me!! I have always needed control because my life was out of control. Most of that freedom came from understanding my personality and who I am in Christ. I understand why I react the way I do to things because I understand me and what has happened in my life to cause that....when you know WHY you can change it!! Again HUGE for me!! I know these aren't big things to everyone but I have been on my own since I was a teenager..nobody taught me these things! I jumped into an abusive relationship early and stayed because I didn't know how to get out...Now when I look back I wonder how I stayed so long!!...I moved to Oklahoma to start over and that is SO FAR out of my comfort zone but God stretched me and made me grow because He has plans for me!! And for my children!!! I was reading scripture this morning and for those who don't know I LOVE biblegateway and looking up different translations...I saw this one this morning and had to look it up in the Message
Deuteronomy 11:11-12 (The Message)
10-12 The land you are entering to take up ownership isn't like Egypt, the land you left, where you had to plant your own seed and water it yourselves as in a vegetable garden. But the land you are about to cross the river and take for your own is a land of mountains and valleys; it drinks water that rains from the sky. It's a land that God, your God, personally tends—he's the gardener—he alone keeps his eye on it all year long.
OH MY WORD!! Isn't that exciting?? I have always said Oklahoma was my promised land and I left Egypt...I left the place I lost myself and the place I had to "plant my own seed" because that was the only way to survive...but look at the end of the verse!! HE is my gardener now...He keeps eye on it ALL YEAR LONG!!! I am going into this year hoping it will be better but honestly it doesn't matter...all that matters is I keep my focus on HIM!! No matter what happens He has me:-) I CAN do all things through Christ!! God is good ALL the time and not just in the good. He is always there waiting for us to see Him. He doesn't leave us..we lose our focus and this year my prayer is that I doN'T lose that! I want His love to consume me this year!! I want Him to be my EVERYTHING and not just in words but in the way I live my life. Happy 2009!!!
I sat down yesterday to not only consume massive amounts of sugar and food but to reflect on 2008. It wasn't a great year but I learned SO MUCH in all of the pain.
2008 started out with a coworker burying her teenager. A teenager that attended the school where I work...Nothing like starting out the year with that:-( Feb brought more heartache when I had to watch two dear friends deal with major medical things...brain tumors and ovarian cancer!! Both are going through chemo now and doing well BUT Feb/March of last year wasn't so hopeful. I also went through the court ordeal and became single after 18yrs of marriage. You don't spend almost two decades with someone and that NOT hurt. That hurt way worse than anyone will ever know or understand unless they have been there. Those who saw me on my "anniversary" this December know how hard this has been. I know that people don't understand watching a wedding video or sitting in a self made pit on that day but it hurt. I can't explain that to those who haven't been there. This summer was also difficult and I had to go back to Florida after almost 2yrs and face family. Family that wasn't happy about my decision to leave!! There was MUCH prayer and support and it turned out great and restoration happened. This summer also had unspeakable things happen and the enemy tried to destroy me..literally....BUT what satan meant for harm God used to bless my socks off!!! It isn't anything I will share in such a public forum BUT I am truly ok!! I even had surgery this Sept because I hadn't been through enough lol Again God took care of me and my children!! Even this Christmas was a gift from Him. My kids Dad didn't show up again after a lot of empty promises! That makes every court ordered holiday this year except the summer when he HAD to return them home! This isn't easy on them either! Oh but they are covered in prayer and I have men in their lives that hopefully will make up for their Dad.
I have seen the hand of God because I am IN IT!! He holds me in His righteous right hand!!
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version)
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I have also seen joy unspeakable! I have developed friendships with women that were God ordained. I learned my gifts and how to use them...mostly lol I was called last February to be an intercessor to someone and that has taught me SO MUCH about listening to that still small voice! Amazing how much God speaks to us when we listen....when we sit long enough in silence to hear Him...there is NOTHING like it!! That turned out to be a blessing to me!! I sat yesterday and thought I could sit here and dwell on the negative but really the growth in me came OUT of the pain. I wouldn't know that I could survive anything had I not been through it! And I wouldn't have learned to totally lean on God! I am not saying I need or want to experience pain but dangit I am gonna learn something through it or its would just seem like a cruel joke! God has taught me SO MUCH this year!! I used to be that person that would immediately jump to worse case scenario which earned me the nickname "Cliff" (waving at Jesi!!) since I would go to the cliff! That doesn't describe me anymore!! I have been freed from something that my entire family does! I no longer operate in "my weakness area of worry" (that was for you C!) because I KNOW that God is in control. I have learned to give it to God! HUGE for me!! I have always needed control because my life was out of control. Most of that freedom came from understanding my personality and who I am in Christ. I understand why I react the way I do to things because I understand me and what has happened in my life to cause that....when you know WHY you can change it!! Again HUGE for me!! I know these aren't big things to everyone but I have been on my own since I was a teenager..nobody taught me these things! I jumped into an abusive relationship early and stayed because I didn't know how to get out...Now when I look back I wonder how I stayed so long!!...I moved to Oklahoma to start over and that is SO FAR out of my comfort zone but God stretched me and made me grow because He has plans for me!! And for my children!!! I was reading scripture this morning and for those who don't know I LOVE biblegateway and looking up different translations...I saw this one this morning and had to look it up in the Message
Deuteronomy 11:11-12 (The Message)
10-12 The land you are entering to take up ownership isn't like Egypt, the land you left, where you had to plant your own seed and water it yourselves as in a vegetable garden. But the land you are about to cross the river and take for your own is a land of mountains and valleys; it drinks water that rains from the sky. It's a land that God, your God, personally tends—he's the gardener—he alone keeps his eye on it all year long.
OH MY WORD!! Isn't that exciting?? I have always said Oklahoma was my promised land and I left Egypt...I left the place I lost myself and the place I had to "plant my own seed" because that was the only way to survive...but look at the end of the verse!! HE is my gardener now...He keeps eye on it ALL YEAR LONG!!! I am going into this year hoping it will be better but honestly it doesn't matter...all that matters is I keep my focus on HIM!! No matter what happens He has me:-) I CAN do all things through Christ!! God is good ALL the time and not just in the good. He is always there waiting for us to see Him. He doesn't leave us..we lose our focus and this year my prayer is that I doN'T lose that! I want His love to consume me this year!! I want Him to be my EVERYTHING and not just in words but in the way I live my life. Happy 2009!!!
12/27/2008
12/25/2008
Because I am practical
I will share with you my FAVORITE gift!! 
Yeah I am that girl...I am the one that will do a happy dance for a vacuum cleaner! I am the person who will spend Christmas Eve day helping clean someones house because I enjoy it!
This morning has been such a blessing to me and not because of the things we got but because what today is about...today we celebrate the birth of MY Savior:-) Is there really a better gift??
I also got to watch my children open gifts that they picked up for each other. Honestly I hadn't even seen them till this morning!! My dear friend that LOVES shopping (thank you Cheryl!!) wanted to take my kids one on one to the store to shop. She spent an ENTIRE Saturday doing it! I am not kidding!! She was gone almost 11 hrs on a Saturday with an air cast!!! I only gave her $200 to shop with and I am pretty sure she blew that budget!! If you are reading...we need to talk;-)The coolest thing is they picked out gifts for each other and for me! And they are just such thoughtful gifts!! They were hugging every time...oh I think I have pics!! Anyway, they had the best time!! In a couple of years they won't remember the gifts they received but they will remember the shopping and wrapping and the time spent with our "family"...we have already done Christmas twice and we still have one more place to go for dinner. I am so blessed and so thankful that God is the center of our home. I am so thankful for my children and their attitude of gratitude. They know God has provided us with every thing we have and they are as thankful as I am...THAT is a gift! 
12/22/2008
Christmas Came Early!!
OMWORD my kids are so excited and SO AM I!!
Look what my friends bought my kids for Christmas!!!
Look what my friends bought my kids for Christmas!!!
First aren't my babies cute??
They have no clue what they are fixing to open
Its a Wii!!! If you don't know my daughter that look on her face is her planning...what is probably going through her head is where the Wii will be located and what the playing schedule will be!!
Ok so I knew about their surprise so I was just thrilled to see their faces...BUT here is MY surprise!! I had NO CLUE about this one!!
Here I am opening my gift totally cracking up because her husband was telling me it was a Christmas sweater with reindeer and stuff on it. Goofy man!! I told him it was too heavy but I still had NO CLUE!!
This is what it was!! Omword I have wanted one of these!!!
I think I am more excited than the kids...ok maybe not because I am on here blogging and they are hooking it up to play lol I can't wait to try it!!!
12/21/2008
YAY!!
I won something!!
Oh my! I don't even know what to say...I would like to thank my friends and all the people that made this possible...nah I can't even think to even play around lol I was totally in shock when the lovely Dana at Are We There Yet? gave me this award:-) I am humbled that she sees those things in me!! You can all be jealous because we have met IRL!! Ain't I blessed?? (Yeah I said ain't)We have had dinner and coffee AND she has been to my house...actually it was when I lived in my apartment and I have moved since then...Hey Dana we need to get together again!!
Anyway, I am not sure the rules for this but I guess I pass it along to someone I think has a brilliant blog......sooooo the choice was EASY and I am gonna say Jesica because she IS brilliant!! She is one of the most courageous people I know. She is fighting ovarian cancer and WILL WIN because I SAID SO and that makes it law...just ask my kids;-) She is down to earth and real and I love her with all my heart! So go see her and tell her Barbie said HI! Thanks again Dana..I think you are pretty kind too!
12/15/2008
Pics
I am still waiting on the pics from my birthday but I thought I would share this one. This is from church last night but *I* have a camera now so I can take some pics!! YAY!! I don't know what happened to MY camera but it keeps saying the batteries are dead and then TODAY I was surprised with a new one!! I have NO IDEA who to thank because the card was TYPED (someone knows me!!) and it was left at the church so I HAVE NO CLUE!! It's killing me but I am beginning to think God is trying to teach me something!! I am a giver so all this receiving stuff is HARD!! Those who know my heart know that too! Still this picture makes me smile because of who is in it:-) This is Cheryl...or as I call her my Wonder Woman lol
12/09/2008
Where HAVE I been??!!!
Oh dear it has been over a month! I didn't plan to take a bloggy break but there it was lol I don't even know where to begin to tell you what is going on in my heart or what has all happened. My heart is just so full and overwhelmed with the future that I don't know how to express it all...I guess I can try but first I want highlight a couple of cool things that happened that I just HAVE to share:-) My birthday was on Saturday! I am 39 for those wondering;-) A very YOUNG 39! Seriously age does NOT bother me and I am counting the days till I am 40! I swear I have lived a lot for my short 39 yrs that some days I feel much older! I had the most AMAZING birthday because I truly have the most amazing friends. My dear friend, Cheryl, who can be seen here picked me up Saturday and we spent the afternoon together. THAT is ALWAYS fun! She dropped me off at my house and then her and a couple of friends stopped by with gifts and to pick me back up for dinner! The best part of the gifts is that they KNOW me! It wasn't WHAT they bought that touched me as much as how much they knew ME...They knew what would make me smile:-) Then we all went to my favorite restaurant Carrabbas and I ate a TON!! Someone took pictures so if I get them I will post them. I have beautiful friends! Misty even made a mocha cake with chocolate covered coffee beans (I have a new coffee obsession!) that was to die for!! We ate and laughed and shared...it was amazing! Then we went to a place to eat gelatos and stayed till the place closed. I can't describe what happened next but I can say the presence of God was there and the anointing was just flowing off of Cheryl..I think at one point she was preaching lol I would say that the ladies that came all know ME but they didn't really KNOW each other...till now! They knew Cheryl but she works at the church so that is a given..they just didn't all know each other lol They are a select group of women and God put all of them in my life for a purpose. They figured out that they have a LOT more in common than they knew and I believe even our gifts compliment each other! It is just SO God!! And I believe God is going to use all of us together in ways we can't even imagine. That night will be the first of many! I sat there that night feeling SO blessed because I never knew this was possible. When I moved here 2yrs ago my heart was so badly hurt that I didn't think I would ever let down the walls I had up! I have been hurt so much in my life by people that were supposed to love me that I didn't think I would get to this point. My connection with Cheryl was almost immediate. She is the Pastors assistant so we met right after I moved here. I didn't let down my walls right away but I found myself unable to hide ANYTHING with her. I would just open my mouth and out would come things I never shared with ANYone! I know it is the anointing that she has on her and one of the reasons I allowed her to counsel me..this was before we became close friends and now the counseling is a thing of the past... BUT she is still a mentor and someone I would accept advice from in a heartbeat. She is a sister and our relationship isn't even one I can explain to anyone. She knows how I will react to things before they happen and I know how she is feeling when she isn't even around. It is totally a God thing and I KNOW our friendship was God ordained from the beginning. Somewhere in the beginning of her counsel she taught me how to open up my heart and let down walls...then came in the other women that were there that night. When I let down my walls something wonderful happened and I was able to form some healthy friendships with some AMAZING women. I consider some of them family and that isn't something I take lightly! I have been through some horrible things this year but not one time was I alone. Not one time! I have learned some valuable things from these ladies and I hope that they can say the same about me. I just know that when God orchestrates friendships they are beyond anything I could have ever imagined!! I am so blessed!! Ok that ended up being longer than I expected so I will share ONE more thing and then I will have to post another day about what is on my heart..it's heavy for sure but I don't know what to do with it! Anyway, another post for another day. Soooo the last thing I will share is I was "jingled" yesterday and I have never even heard of it!!! I came home to my entire yard decorated in lights!! Some little elves came over and put lights and bows around my garage and in my crepe myrtle tree. There are candy canes that are lit up in the walk and a wreath with lights on the brick next to my front door!! It was the coolest thing!! They left a note that said "you have been jingled...the elves...hahaha" lol Isn't that cute??!! I am so afraid of heights so that would not have happened otherwise lol I am just so blessed and I have no idea why! God is good ALL the time...even in the bad He is still God and still there...THAT I HAVE learned this year:-)
11/08/2008
The truth behind being single
I received an email from a single Mom that said that I didn't properly show the tough side of single parenting. She went on to explain that I appeared "too strong" and was "glossing over the truth" and that wasn't being totally honest with what we do or how hard it was....We exchanged emails and I heard her out and so today I am going to be open and vulnerable to everyone reading.
Just being a Mom IS hard so it stands to reason that going it alone would make it 100 times harder and...some days it does...others I know I am not really going this alone and I have an AMAZING God, an AMAZING church and AMAZING friends that support me through this...without that *I* would crumble!
You want honesty?? Some days I don't know HOW I am going to get through...I went to church Wednesday night with the weight of the world on my shoulders but nobody knew that...except God...nobody got to see the Barbie that came home, put her kids to bed and crawled in bed and cried.
Why??
because it doesn't do anyone any good for me to get in a pit and stay there...I have my moments and I cry to God and then I get right back up and move on. I have learned that I canNOT dwell there or I will take up camp and it is harder to get back up. I know all about the pit..btdt and got the shirt! That night someone called to make sure I made it home (I was having car problems) and she heard the crack of my voice and knew...she knows my heart and all that is going on in my life and was able to encourage me in the Lord...she didn't try to fix it which I so appreciate...some things can't be fixed...some things just hurt.
This has been a rough year in SO many ways. I haven't shared all the things I have had to walk through and I am not going to because the ONLY thing that I need to focus on is that
God is still in control...
He can bring good out of the most painful situations
He is ALWAYS with me.
I have learned so much this year about who I am and Whose I am and through the bad stuff I have grown. This week has been a rough one but most people wouldn't know that because I still laugh and I still joke and I am still JustBarbie...I am not trying to gloss over what being a single parent is like. It was never my intention to speak for all single parents. My situation is different in that I don't have ANY family here...at least not biological:-) I have some people in my life that I feel closer to than anything and I thank God for putting them in my life. I moved away from mine to give my kids a better life and they are getting that. I have NEVER regretted that decision and even now with my Mom being sick and me being sooo far away I can rest in the fact that THIS is where God called me..THIS is where I am supposed to be. God has repeatedly shown us that He is going to take care of us here..
NO MATTER WHAT the circumstances look like.
TODAY I could tell you that I am exhausted from being up with a sick child OR I could focus on the good stuff like the love my children have for each other....I had to run to the store early this morning...yeah I know I could have called someone (don't anyone call to fuss at me!) but it was early and *I needed to go because I didn't know what all I needed lol I am not a list maker as some of you know;-) Anyway, I woke my almost 15yo up and told him that his sister was vomiting and I needed to go get her meds and gatorade. He didn't grumble! I told him it was important that he listened for her because she had been throwing up and he looked at me with sleepy eyes and said "is she crying??" and that was all he was concerned about. Not that he didn't get to sleep in on the only day he could but that his sister was sick. He even called me while I was at the store and asked me if I remembered to get everything she needed. I LOVE that! I love that my kids care that much about each other. THAT is what I need to focus on so I can get through...Yes, I was exhausted but I tried to just thank God that this is something simple like a tummy bug and NOT something major.
And I am thankful that this morning I had a car to get to the store...yesterday I didn't. That is another story but once again God took car of His children...just like He promised. So I am sorry if you think I haven't portrayed being a single Mom properly...I just know *I* can't do this without God and I am thankful that I am His child. He is worthy to be praised...again and again.
I hope I never lose sight of that.
I have SO MUCH to be thankful for...
every month when I pay all of my bills... I am thankful for Gods provision
every night when my kids go to bed with a full stomach...I am thankful that we have food
every day I go to work...I am thankful that I have a job
every time I step foot in church...I am thankful that we have the freedom to worship
every time my cell phone rings and it is a friend...I am thankful for the amazing people God has placed in my life
every time I pray for someone...I am thankful that I serve a God that hears and answers prayer
every time I start my car...I am thankful that God not only provided the car but has kept it running...through his people:**)
May I never forget how blessed I am...ever
every month when I pay all of my bills... I am thankful for Gods provision
every night when my kids go to bed with a full stomach...I am thankful that we have food
every day I go to work...I am thankful that I have a job
every time I step foot in church...I am thankful that we have the freedom to worship
every time my cell phone rings and it is a friend...I am thankful for the amazing people God has placed in my life
every time I pray for someone...I am thankful that I serve a God that hears and answers prayer
every time I start my car...I am thankful that God not only provided the car but has kept it running...through his people:**)
May I never forget how blessed I am...ever
11/06/2008
I am still here
I have just been SUPER BUSY with life! This single Mom thing isn't always easy lol There are also a LOT of prayer needs in the lives of those I love so I have been heavy with those and spending time in prayer...if you want to join me in prayer please pray for Jesi @ http://pixiemarierose.blogspot.com/ and Merci's Dad @ http://www.spitoutthecat.blogspot.com/ and my Mom is having something done to her heart for a 99% blockage...she is 77yo...anyway, I am just remembering that His grace is enough and this song has been playing in my head for a week now...just ask those at my small groups since I was bouncing around..too bad nobody else could hear the concert going on in my head lol
10/18/2008
Oh my word!
I am a mechanics daughter so car repairs do NOT scare me...My Grandfather owned a garage in Phenix City, Alabama that carried my maiden name. My Daddy was not only an aircraft mechanic in the Navy but he also worked for the City Motor Pool where he fixed police cars and stuff...being around cars is in my blood. I even have pictures to prove it lol Pictures from Barbie this one should show you the replacement of the crankshaft sensor...I can even throw around words like harmonic balance and know what it is lol And this one Car Repairs Again is when we replaced the ignition control module...very important part!!...you can see my use of hair pretties to avoid mixing up the wires;-) I am just brilliant lol So doing a simple tune up should be nothing right?? I have done a tune up on both the 89 Olds and on a 2000 Caravan so this wouldn't be the first time. The only problem is I just had surgery and I still have stitches in my belly AND all of the tools I had are in Florida.... SOOOO I have someone come over to put in new spark plugs for me because my #6 one is misfiring and driving me crazy with the putt putting and HORRIBLE gas mileage. I go and buy the spark plugs, anti seize stuff, gap tool and a trusty Hanes Manuel so I can follow directions. Then I see that whoever decided the placement of the spark plugs was on drugs or something...3 of them are so far behind the engine that you need extremely small arms and be a contortionist to reach them! You can't even get to them from underneath!! Ben changed the first three without a hitch and then for the next couple of HOURS..Ben, myself and a friends husband all struggle to remove ONE of them from the back. I no longer cared that I had stitches because I was going to get the stupid thing off...I am a wee bit stubborn in case you didn't know;) I literally laid across the engine and pulled and pulled until my poor arm bruised...see!!
I know Ben and Ali have to be sore today because we all worked so hard to get ONE of them off...JUST ONE! So 4 out of 6 spark plugs have been changed but thankfully one of them was the #6 one that was acting up! I canNOT believe the car beat me lol Or how stiff I am today!! I am NOT that old!
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