A Hushed Heart

If you ever wondered where I came up with the name for my blog here ya go....Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE music. I am also a huge fan of Casting Crowns:-) This song is how I feel a lot of the time

I was sure by now

That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear
You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Some days I wonder why God doesn't just change my circumstances...surely I didn't ask for all of this. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and Mother....did I somehow do something to deserve this? Wasn't my love enough? Wasn't I enough? Then I realize it isn't my circumstances that need changing it is my heart. I was created in the image of God so I was enough. I am an heiress and the princess to the most high God. I am not saying I don't have to take responsibility but in my situation what happened wasn't even about me... it is about them and their heart. I can't change that but I can change me and how I react to this. It is hard for me to realize that but now that I am out of the situation and their behavior is the same with others I can see it has nothing to do with me...it is something that will continue in their life until they realize it is a problem. What I am learning is I can have peace even in the midst of the storm. Peace isn't the absence of trouble. The scriptures say that in this world you are going to have trouble so I wasn't promised an easy life. I was promised peace if I put my faith in God. I don't need to put my faith in what I see or feel but in what I believe. I believe the Word of God. Philippians 4:6-7 say Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
I haven't always had that peace and those closest to me know that. I can be hard to deal with at times because I don't know what to do with all of my emotions that go with divorce and some days I lash out hurting those I love the most:-( Then when I finally give up and fall at my Fathers feet peace comes...it comes when I finally release the need to God. I have a hearing in April and you would think I would be troubled but instead I have peace....peace that passes understanding:-) I know that God has directed my steps and as long as I continue seeking Him He will. He knows my needs even before I know them. I also have a peace because the truth never changes so I don't have to prepare. I have also been reading the Psalms lately and I have found so much comfort in them. So when I go in April it doesn't matter what things they are plotting against me because
My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I WILL praise You in the storm... Thank you for loving us and for continually taking care of our needs. Thank you for this peace that passes understanding...it feels good to have a hushed heart. I love you.....


I thought I would ask ya'lls advice on something...I am looking for a new Bible. I have always been a KJV person but I really want an NIV. My church preaches out of one and I have been reading my dds bible that was from her grandma. It is like reading it for the first time. I have a KJV Open Bible and I have had it for 20yrs now. It still has my maiden name on it lol Now I want a new one but this time I think I will just put Barbie on it with no last name:-) I have the option of going back to my maiden name when the divorce is final but I won't for a couple of reasons....one I like that the kids and I have the same last name and the other is I can't just forget the last 17 yrs happened. Anyway, I am looking for a NIV and was wondering if anyone had a favorite out there?? Thanks!


What an insane week...The older I get the more my body acts like a teenager and PMS has gotten U.G.L.Y! I haven't been this hormonal since I was a teen. The timing couldn't have been worse either! My soon to be ex was served on Saturday and things got crazy from there..funny the worst part was reading things from his sister and her insane ramblings about things she has NO clue about. It is sad that things can't just be between him and I:( I was not married to his family so they should stay out of it but her minding her own business was never a strong point of hers. It was to the point that I was ready to have a restraining order placed on her. I think I bit a hole in my tongue with the things I wanted to say. Shutting up has never been MY strong point but I am growing because I really didn't say the things I wanted to lol Things between him and I are strained but we ARE talking because he knows the truth. He may not be happy with Oklahoma laws but he knows the truth. I think in the end we will still be friends for the kids sake. Fortunately LONG distance friends:-D
God has a funny sense of humor also and for some reason has asked me to step out of my comfort zone so many times in the last year. Sunday He knew I needed to be reminded of a few things so I was asked to speak in front of my Sunday School class...I was asked 5 min before the class started so I didn't even have time to properly freak out! This is a class of mostly older people so I was very nervous. God was with me because I didn't pass out;-)Public speaking is so not for me lol
Monday night we went to counseling. I have never doubted the decision to move here. I believe this is where God called me and I have always had a peace about that even when things were rough. Monday night I spoke with the kids counselors withOUT the kids and told them what was going on. I told them about the injunction and the SIL and her threats. I have tried to protect the kids from knowing anything so the 2 little ones have no clue what is going on. The oldest knows some because I was worried about his Daddy calling and freaking out when he found out I filed but to my surprise he hasn't. They gave me great advice and after the classes the middle ones counselor gave me a paper..this one

This was supposed to be about visitation but my son decided to change it completely. He cracks me up:-) He said Sadness IS depressing so he wanted something funny. They were amused and so was I. Then on the way home my oldest asked why they were even IN counseling because the other kids had "real problems" and he told me some of what they talked about. My kids haven't had to deal with that stuff because we are so far away. The only fight here was when I had to call the police in Oct when their Dad was here but they were inside and missed it thank God! I feel like my kids have been protected and for that I am sooooooo thankful. They have a great support group at church and in counseling. Their comments Monday night confirmed my decision to come here. If we were in the same town things would never have been so calm. I felt blessed. Tuesday and Wednesday were a huge blur because PMS took over my body. It was so bad that Thursday I stayed home from work because I so needed a day to myself. Being single I have absolutely NO time for me. It is hard but so worth it. I wouldn't change being a Mom for anything and my kids are my life. Today I am finally feeling better so I figured I would take this opportunity to update ya'll:-) I do appreciate all of your prayers. I am so looking forward to this weekend:-) Hope you all have fun! Thanks again for all of your prayers and the card I got in the mail that was just so perfect:-) God Bless you all!


Remember when I wrote this post? Well, I can explain that now. I moved to Oklahoma on Aug 1st and to be a citizen you have to be here for 6 months. Feb 2nd was that day. I already had the papers drafted but was having such a hard time filing. I still love him and this is so final. It feels so real kwim? God knew I would need that extra push so when he called and told me that he was at Disney World when the tornadoes hit Florida I got mad. I am sitting here raising HIS 3 children with next to nothing from him and he has time and money to go to Disney World? Oh heck no! That was enough to make me drive downtown alone. So I ventured downtown and filed the divorce papers. At first I felt a sense of peace because Oklahoma now has jurisdiction and he can fight, scream, kick, throw a fit but he has to fight in Oklahoma with their laws. Then it hit me that 18 yrs of my life were spent with him. So that weekend I tortured myself and pulled out the pictures and old home movies and cried and I cried and I cried till I didn't think I could cry anymore...I did find out you never run out of tears:*( I don't think I got out of bed much on Saturday except to cook. I hate this. I filed the papers "pro se" which just means I did it on own. I did have attorney draft them but he did it as a favor and he isn't representing me...I was just in a time crunch and needed something right then. I saw a lawyer on Wed and she is just awesome. She closed her door, ignored the clock and we spent 2 hrs going over a game plan. She is going to represent me:-) I am so thankful that God has placed people in my path that are helping me with this. I found out sooooo many things that just make me love the state of Oklahoma even more. I am starting to see why God called me here. Did you know sin is still against the law here? Isn't that awesome!! He is being served today. He already knows it is coming and he is NOT happy. I had 195 text messages yesterday to prove how unhappy about this he is and my Mom was cussed out by him. He is a control freak and this just rocked his world. I don't think he ever thought *I* would file. Once he reads the papers it will get worse. Hopefully he will get a lawyer and we can do this quickly. I knew he would flip out and threaten to take the kids so I had an injunction in place so they can't leave Oklahoma until this is settled. It is going to get REAL ugly but I am trying to rest in the fact that God has directed my steps from the beginning...that God called me here for a reason...that God IS in control. When this is all over I will be able to share with you all the things that God has done. I can't say too much right now because I have family that reads here from both sides. That is why I had to wait till he knew to explain to ya'll why I was freaking out and not answering IMs or emails. I have had a hard time dealing with this and my heart is breaking in the process. Still I know this is the right thing to do even if it hurts:*( I can do this because I have too. I have to protect my children and I will at all cost. I know a lot of people thought I could do this without having to move half a country away but yesterday I was grateful we weren't in the same town....he was angry and threatening but I knew it takes two days to get here and he would calm down. I had time to get things in place to keep him from being able to take them out of school. I had time. If we were in the same city I wouldn't have had that and the kids would be in the middle. As it stands two don't even know what is going on...the oldest knows because he has a cell phone and Daddy might call so I had to explain to him that Daddy might be mad but this is Oklahoma law and I have no choice...I love living in the Bible Belt where things like the 7th commandment still mean something and my kids don't have to be exposed to it because "sin is still against the law in Oklahoma"


I know I can always count on my kids to make me laugh. Tonight I had to run to the store for a couple of things and I didn't feel like changing out of my sweats...I NEVER go out in sweats because I think they make me look fat lol Anyway, we get to the store and my oldest looks at me with a serious face and says.....

"Again with the sweatpants?"
"What? I'm comfortable."
"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
- Jerry and George, in "The Pilot"

I cracked up! I know I have shared before that we quote Seinfeld but it was just so close to the truth tonight I laughed till my sides hurt.

BTW for those who have emailed me to check on me I am sorry I haven't answered emails...I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. February is a hard month for me because it is not only Valentines Day but the anniversary of the day Billy and I met. It is really hard to spend 18 yrs of your life with someone and just turn off all those emotions...I wonder if we would have gone to Carrabbas again

or go walk on the riverwalk

It is very hard for me to not think about the past or what could have been. Some days it is hard enough to go through the motions of life and being a single Mom so I apologize if I have hurt anyones feelings by not answering or being there as much as I was before. One day things will get back to normal...I don't know when but that is my hope.


Ever have to do something that was just hard? I mean something that just made you want to crawl in bed, lay in a fetal position and give up? I found out this verse really is true

Philippians 4:13 (King James Version)
13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Of course, that made me think of my favorite group Casting Crowns so this song has been in my head lol

"In Me"

If you ask me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If You ask me to go
Preach to the lost world that Jesus saves

I'll go, but I cannot go alone
Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

If You ask me to run
And carry Your light into foreign land
If You ask me to fight
Deliver Your people from Satan's hand

To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a savior
To feel with Your heart
And to think with Your mind
I'd give my last breath for Your glory


Thank you Father for giving me the strength to do even the hard things....I am NOTHING without You. I am sorry that I got mad....I love you.....