11/08/2008

The truth behind being single

I received an email from a single Mom that said that I didn't properly show the tough side of single parenting. She went on to explain that I appeared "too strong" and was "glossing over the truth" and that wasn't being totally honest with what we do or how hard it was....We exchanged emails and I heard her out and so today I am going to be open and vulnerable to everyone reading.
Just being a Mom IS hard so it stands to reason that going it alone would make it 100 times harder and...some days it does...others I know I am not really going this alone and I have an AMAZING God, an AMAZING church and AMAZING friends that support me through this...without that *I* would crumble!
You want honesty?? Some days I don't know HOW I am going to get through...I went to church Wednesday night with the weight of the world on my shoulders but nobody knew that...except God...nobody got to see the Barbie that came home, put her kids to bed and crawled in bed and cried.
Why??
because it doesn't do anyone any good for me to get in a pit and stay there...I have my moments and I cry to God and then I get right back up and move on. I have learned that I canNOT dwell there or I will take up camp and it is harder to get back up. I know all about the pit..btdt and got the shirt! That night someone called to make sure I made it home (I was having car problems) and she heard the crack of my voice and knew...she knows my heart and all that is going on in my life and was able to encourage me in the Lord...she didn't try to fix it which I so appreciate...some things can't be fixed...some things just hurt.
This has been a rough year in SO many ways. I haven't shared all the things I have had to walk through and I am not going to because the ONLY thing that I need to focus on is that
God is still in control...
He can bring good out of the most painful situations
He is ALWAYS with me.
I have learned so much this year about who I am and Whose I am and through the bad stuff I have grown. This week has been a rough one but most people wouldn't know that because I still laugh and I still joke and I am still JustBarbie...I am not trying to gloss over what being a single parent is like. It was never my intention to speak for all single parents. My situation is different in that I don't have ANY family here...at least not biological:-) I have some people in my life that I feel closer to than anything and I thank God for putting them in my life. I moved away from mine to give my kids a better life and they are getting that. I have NEVER regretted that decision and even now with my Mom being sick and me being sooo far away I can rest in the fact that THIS is where God called me..THIS is where I am supposed to be. God has repeatedly shown us that He is going to take care of us here..
NO MATTER WHAT the circumstances look like.
TODAY I could tell you that I am exhausted from being up with a sick child OR I could focus on the good stuff like the love my children have for each other....I had to run to the store early this morning...yeah I know I could have called someone (don't anyone call to fuss at me!) but it was early and *I needed to go because I didn't know what all I needed lol I am not a list maker as some of you know;-) Anyway, I woke my almost 15yo up and told him that his sister was vomiting and I needed to go get her meds and gatorade. He didn't grumble! I told him it was important that he listened for her because she had been throwing up and he looked at me with sleepy eyes and said "is she crying??" and that was all he was concerned about. Not that he didn't get to sleep in on the only day he could but that his sister was sick. He even called me while I was at the store and asked me if I remembered to get everything she needed. I LOVE that! I love that my kids care that much about each other. THAT is what I need to focus on so I can get through...Yes, I was exhausted but I tried to just thank God that this is something simple like a tummy bug and NOT something major.
And I am thankful that this morning I had a car to get to the store...yesterday I didn't. That is another story but once again God took car of His children...just like He promised. So I am sorry if you think I haven't portrayed being a single Mom properly...I just know *I* can't do this without God and I am thankful that I am His child. He is worthy to be praised...again and again.
I hope I never lose sight of that.
I have SO MUCH to be thankful for...
every month when I pay all of my bills... I am thankful for Gods provision
every night when my kids go to bed with a full stomach...I am thankful that we have food
every day I go to work...I am thankful that I have a job
every time I step foot in church...I am thankful that we have the freedom to worship
every time my cell phone rings and it is a friend...I am thankful for the amazing people God has placed in my life
every time I pray for someone...I am thankful that I serve a God that hears and answers prayer
every time I start my car...I am thankful that God not only provided the car but has kept it running...through his people:**)
May I never forget how blessed I am...ever

4 comments:

Jesica said...

Now it's my turn to cry. Thanks.

I love you.
I love your kids.
I love your church.
I love your amazing friends.
I love that even though I'm far away (and have control issues) I KNOW you're taken care of.

Because God is SO good, and so ever-faithful, and you're SO His favorite. LOL

I love you - and miss you SO much!

Ame said...

Though I am not aware of EVERYthing, I am aware of enough to know that Barbie has had the year from hell. Barbie is not the kind to share from those places, and some of those places are not fit nor appropriate for public. Barbie shares within her personality from where she is in her life. Barbie, girl, you're awesome!

***

I think there are some other things at play here which I will share if Barbie so allows, because I, too, am a single mom.

*Barbie's kids are great. They have their things ... like severe asthma, but they are great kids. This gives her the flexibility to do things that not all of us can do.

For example, I have great kids, but I have a special-needs daughter which greatly limits my ability to do many, many things. Barbie knows this. This is not her life; it is mine.

* Barbie has an amazing church ... truly a needle in a haystack kind of a church for single parents, or more specifically, for Barbie.

I have yet to encounter a church anywhere like Barbie's though I have longed for such a church.

* Barbie has amazing friends who have the ability and flexibility to drop everything and be there for her if and when they know she has a need.

I, too, have amazing friends, but they, like myself, are limited in what they can do. Many have done much to help me, but I do not have a friend with the same flexibility that Barbie has.

* God gives to whom He gives and withholds from whom He withholds. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. Why? I do not know. Is Barbie's faith stronger than mine? Nope. BUT NEITHER IS HER LIFE EASIER THAN MINE. As a matter of fact, Barbie has beent through some things that I pray I never experience.

Does God love Barbie more than me? Nope. What God does and allows is beyond me. I cannot comprehend the mind and ways of God. I do not understand why I was born in the US and not in a third world country. I do not understand why I was born into an abusive family and others were not. I have to accept and trust God.

***

There is a deep, dark place where we can fall. I thought I was immune to such a place, but I was not. This last year for me has dropped me to places I didn't know I was capable of. My faith has been shaken at it's foundations and roots in ways I never thought possible. Slowly, v e r y s l o w l y ... God is pulling me out. And of all things, He is using a great man to help me ... showing me a kind of unconditional love I have NEVER in my life experienced.

***

Why does one person's life seem harder or easier than anothers? I do not know. The reality is that some people DO have easier and harder lives. The Bible is very clear that life is neither fair nor equal. I do not understand that. I do not understand God.

I take antidepressants. One of my daughter's in in counseling for depression at the age of 11. My ex is taking me back to court based on empty stuff that's costing me so much money that financially I am going to be left completely devestated and probably loose EVERYthing I have and more, including my house.

Still, somewhere, at the end of the day, I MUST find a way to say, "I trust, You, God." If I loose my trust in God, I loose my soul. And in the very least, because of my kids, I cannot do that.

***

Is being a single parent easy? Absolutely not anything close to being easy, not even for Barbie. Her life this year has been hell. If not for her friends to literally pick her up and enable her to function, she would not be able to stand. Barbie's just not the kind of personality to share such things in detail.

Sarah said...

Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers!

Hugs

Robin said...

My sister is a single mom with a schmuck of an ex. (Sorry, but he is) I'm sending her this link. I hope she reads.

Have a great Monday! I could snow tomorrow!