6/21/2007

First let me say I just feel blessed that so many people care about my feelings. I have sat here and cried happy tears at some of the emails I have received. I didn't mean to make it sound like all I am doing is crying in this post.... I AM having a hard time because I really haven't been away from my kids. I miss them and I feel like part of me is gone. I think this is part of the loss..the sending them away for visitation is just another part of divorce that hurts. I know I have said it a million times but I never thought this is how my life would turn out. I think it is the loss of the dream that I am mourning still and it is a process. A LONG process. I miss the person I thought I married. I don't miss the abuse and I don't miss the hurt. I don't know if I have shared here but I am not ready to date. For one the divorce isn't final but the bigger reason is I don't want to repeat the same pattern. I want to know why I stayed as long as I did. Why did I excuse behaviors and allow bad things to happen? I wouldn't want that for anyone else so why did *I* stay? Did I not think I was important enough? did I think I deserved it? Until I have some answers I will be single. I am taking this time to learn who I am in Christ. Everyday I learn something new. I think the kids being gone is helping me face some things head on. I was going to try and stay as busy as I could so I didn't have to think about it but God told me to "STOP and listen" so today that is what I have done. Today I turned off the phones, turned off the radio and tv and cleaned...Cleaning helps me relax and think. I focus better when I am cleaning. I don't have anyone here so talking out loud to God seems normal lol I am just taking my time and thanking God for what I have. I know I left so much behind and some days that bothers me that I am in a different income bracket and I live on a tighter budget...but today I remembered that I am not in debt, my bills are paid and what I have is mine. Don't get me wrong I am far from materialistic..I just didn't know I would be starting over at 37 lol
But I am blessed.
I have friends that love me.
I have people that have lived this that have emailed me some really encouraging things that give me hope.
I have people that haven't lived this but know my heart and they have blessed me beyond measure.
I have people that challenge me,
people that lift me up,
people that sit and cry with me and feel my pain,
people that carry me to God's feet...what more could I ask for??
I can also say that I am breaking the cycle for my kids and as hard as that has been it will be worth it...My dd will grow up and know who she is in Christ. My boys will know how to treat their wives and stop the cycle that has continued in the family for years.
I really am blessed.
God gave me the strength and courage to do something I never thought possible. Some days it still feels like a dream. Some days I wonder who that person was that was able to break free and then I remember that I can do all things through Christ..it was in His strength that I was able to do it.
It hurts still but it will be worth it.
Watching God's hand in our lives has been something none of us will soon forget. My kids will always remember and hopefully when God asks them to do something outside of their comfort zone they will remember that God takes care of all the details.
And that means God knew they would be going to Florida and He will take care of them. He will watch over and protect them. I have that to hold onto:-)

5 comments:

Lynn said...

You are going to do great! Enjoy the summer and be glad that Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone. Didn't he?

paul said...

You WILL survive. You may not feel like it. There may be times you even question whether you want to or not...but you will. You will heal. You will heal for your kids. God is good. He will care for you.

ame said...

you're doing great, Barbie! i was told that one should wait 18 months after the divorce is final before considering to date. i now agree. i think i have gone through waves of wanting to be married again and not ... but i am at a different place now and am eternally thankful there is no man in my life. my life is so full ... and there is still so much of "me" that needs to be healed.

you're really doing great ... and, you're "young!" i'm 42!!! and funny, this is the first time in my life i have had debt, but i have done my best with what i've been given, and i absolutely trust God. it is what it is, and i'm doing the best i can.

yes, visitation is a part of the loss.

my girls leave tomorrow for 9 days ... i know you're going to the conference this weekend ... feel free to call ... i'm gonna be weeding through every inch of my house and begin packing for when we do sell the house and move.

Larissa said...

Boy can I really relate with mourning the loss of the person you thought you knew. That is really a loaded statement, and until you've been through it, I don't think people really know how hard that is. You're in my prayers!

Sarah said...

Praying... Praying... Praying....
Sending big hugs...