As I was praying this morning this verse came to mind
Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice...I decided to look it up in the message and it said
Philippians 4:4 (The Message)
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

My pastor always say that to rejoice is to just "joy again" and I was thinking I am not "joying" the first time. I am content in all situations but joyful?? not even close...How am I supposed to be joyful? My heart has been crushed...I am exhausted trying to be a single Mom and the breadwinner..I hate that I don't get a break from cooking or cleaning. I don't like being the sole disciplinarian. I am lonely. I am sad. me me me me me...Then I realized *I* am holding myself back because I refuse to take God at His Word...I am putting buts in there where they don't belong...you know the ones...BUT that doesn't apply to my situation...BUT wait I am hurting here...how can you say be joyful when my heart is broken? I thought once I got through the holidays I would feel better but instead I got myself so far down into a pit I am having a hard time getting out. I am angry. I guess that is the stage I am at now...anger. I didn't ask for this. When I said my vows I meant them and I am angry that the marriage failed..not just for me but my children. They need a Dad. How could he do this to us? Some days it hurts so bad that I just wish Jesus would come now but then I realize that the one that broke my heart wouldn't be ready for Him. That is a sad thought..so many aren't ready but what am I doing to change that? if I am not living a joyful life then why would people want this? Talk about conviction first thing in the morning:-(

Father help me as I go to my job to share You with others. Help me to be a light to the people I work with and the teenagers I see everyday..help me Lord because I can't do this in my strength.....


Lynn said...

I wish I could make you laugh and forget, if even for a second, that your heart hurts so much. I can't say I understand because I don't but I am compassionate. We serve a Savior so much more compassionate that I know he will heal you. You are quite an inspiration to all around you I'm sure.

Vicki said...

Thinking of you and now I know why. May the Lord lift up your heart and your countenance as you rejoice in Him. He knows every detail and hurts with you. Sending warmest hugs and lots of prayer. Thanks for sharing your heart.