1/05/2008

Visit update

I just sat down to answer ALL of my email (sorry I am so behind and you know who you are!) and realized that several of you actually were interested in the visit with the stbx and how it went. I went against the advice of those who know me best and they still love me even if this was stressful for them too:-) I do believe it was their prayers that got me through. I thought I had prayed enough and knew what I was doing but as I was waiting for his plane that was delayed FOREVER I called someone because I thought I would throw up. All of a sudden I was terrified. I was so worried about how *I* would feel with him back in the house. It wouldn't be the first time that I was blind sided by my emotions. We shared a lifetime together and I thought I was still head over hills in love. I thought I would want to melt in his arms and give him another chance that he didn't deserve. I thought I would have to push all that down because deep down I knew I didn't want to go back to the that life. I knew I didn't come this far to go back and I was scared....scared of myself! I was pleasantly surprised because when I saw him I had NO feelings. I still care because he is the father of my children but I didn't want to melt in his arms...I didn't want to dream that things could change...I didn't want any of it. I am happy right now. I know I am a single Mom and my job is hard and neverending but I really AM happy. I love my life. I love my "family" here and I don't miss the walking on eggshells. I don't miss the cheating and the lies. I don't miss having to pretend that we were ok for the kids. I don't miss being scared when he came home. I actually believe I deserve better now. This is HUGE. I can start out this year with the gift of knowing it really IS over for me. That will help when we go to court next month. I don't have to look back and hope for that hallmark ending. I have a life with my kids that has a future. I honestly love my job and my church and my friends are amazing. God has given me the things I have always wanted and they aren't materials...they are family and unconditional love and that feeling of belonging somewhere.That doesn't mean I don't get lonely or stressed or my life is perfect. I have my days that I still spend in the pit. I take medication for depression and I am in counseling. Still I am happier because I am in God's will...there is no place I would rather be and I have to tell you that feels amazing....This year is looking pretty good so far:-)

4 comments:

Ame said...

I think you really needed this confirmation before the decree is final. I think it was a gift from God.

btw - I can FINALLY view pics and documents that are attached ... got that "thing" fixed just a couple of weeks ago ... feel free to send me anything you'd like me to read :)

Sarah said...

Praise the Lord! The bible doesn't say it will be easy, but I am glad that you are finding happiness in His will. Praise, praise, praise Him.

Grace @ Rose Cottage Lane said...

I am really proud of you for facing this giant in your life.

Sarah said...

Just checking on you, hope everything is going well!