Fathers Day Ramblings

I made it through another Fathers Day!! One day I will be able to say I made it through without tears but at this rate it may be on the OTHER side of heaven! Honestly I would love one Fathers Day where I didn't have to be reminded that we are a statistic or this is hard on the children. Omgosh I know it is! It's hard on me! Everyday that I have to give this back to God and go in His strength I remember that fact...BUT I am thankful that I had a handful of men that I was able to thank for the role they play in my children's lives. I am thankful that there are men that take my Daughter to a Daddy/Daughter dance,

my sons to ballgames, shooting guns, camping, etc...those are HUGE in my childrens lives. This year I was blessed with people that knew I had to work and would just come pick them up and take them somewhere! anywhere!!It is the little things that mean the most! My children will always remember the memories they are making and the friendships they are forming. They haven't complained one time about not going to Florida this summer and I don't think they miss it! That is a direct answer to prayer! We have also been blessed with friends that have pools;-)We have been swimming more times than I can count! And to little kids that were raised in Florida that seems to be important lol It's going to be another 100 degree day so these are good things! Aside from their pools I am just so blessed in the friendship department that I DO thank God daily for the people HE placed in my life.

Now for the rambling part lol This Sunday our church did a community event...we are known for them so they are always big! My gifting isn't planning and organization so I have always been someone on the "outside" of the event. I don't mind helping but the planning part is left to those who can plan. Trust me it isn't me! I wanted to plan a surprise birthday party and was in tears trying to plan around peoples vacation schedules, family events etc...it is NOT my gifting! I pulled it off as you can see from this pic but not without tears and God lolI have been called to come up along side those planning and be their cheerleaders lol that is MY comfort zone! Anyway, this year I caught a small glimpse of what goes into the planning. I watched someone spend 3 months of their life praying, stressing, making calls, handing out flyers, going to events etc...I watched them do it just because they are obedient and that is who they are.... When they went to places that nobody else would go because "good Christians" don't go there I was reminded of these verses...

1 Cor19-23Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! ...

These verses became so much more to me. I saw them in action!

It made me ask some hard questions!

What are WE doing daily to reach those who don't ever step foot in a church?

are we going to places that nobody else would be seen in?

who is going to share the love of Christ with them if WE don't?

I saw an event that some may see as work become a labor of love...not something that people can see "hey I did this...look at all the work I did" but as something that was WAY bigger than we even know. I saw connections being made! I saw something beyond what we realize. There are people that worked on this that will never get the credit they deserve BUT I know in heaven they will see the full picture. They will see the lives that were reached. They will see the full impact! I am a people watcher so on Sunday I looked around and saw people that have never been to our church come because it looked like fun lol We had cars and motorcycles and free food! Who wouldn't want to come! But I wondered if when they came they felt the love that we have inside the church. I prayed that people would walk around and not just talk to their friends but look for new faces...will these people come back next week? I am not pointing fingers at ANYone because these are the questions I asked MYSELF. Did I spend too much time with MY friends and not enough reaching out?? This WAS an outreach so did we do our part?? I don't have the answers but it has been on my heart since Saturday night. Sure I prayed all night but did *I* follow through on what God wanted from His people?? what He wanted from ME??Just questions that I don't have answers for.....
Anyway, my prayer is those that worked behind the scenes will know how much of an impact they made for the kingdom....that those who didn't come will still feel that pull to come...for those that did come they will return and find outstretched arms. I pray that in ALL of this God will be glorified and not the people. That is what it was about...celebrating Fathers Day with the greatest Father there is:-)

Ok...so...here I am:-)

It didn't take me this long to get my attitude in check lol I was just that busy!
This year started out so unlike what I expected. January is still such a blur because there was SO MUCH heartache and not just with my ex. My whole life started spinning out of control.... I won't go into all the details but a lot of things happened in the span of 2 weeks. Things that broke my heart in ways that surprised even me. I always thought my walls were higher but I have let them down with some and what I thought would happen did! I was hurt BUT I was also loved more than I ever imagined:-) So I have learned that letting my walls down wasn't entirely bad and I have no intention of putting them back up. I received way more love than I did hurt. And in the hurt I learned that even relationships that you think are healthy may not be. I don't want to use my past as an excuse but there are some things I am still learning. This time I learned that I need and want to be loved where I am at...I don't want someone trying to change me...that is Gods job and not someone elses. It was a good lesson and one I won't forget:-) Soooo friendships were reevaluated and one ended but the ones that remained have become so much stronger and for that I AM blessed! I have an amazing circle of friends. Friends that love me for who I am ....warts and all:-) I know I have faults and I am always growing but I don't need someone to point them out...just point out God and He will take care of the details;-) Truly I am beyond blessed because I believe life shouldn't be lived alone. Love and laughter are meant to be shared. I love my friends so much and they are an important part of my life. I hope each and every one know how important they are to me and how MUCH I love them. I purposed a long time ago to tell people how I really feel. Call me a big mush if you want but I don't want to miss an opportunity for someone to feel loved.....

Ok now to what has kept me from blogging...omgosh work! Now that school is out I feel like I can breathe! My ex didn't pay child support for 4 months and that totally hurt me financially but not like you would think. God had perfect timing and took care of all the details. I was pushed beyond tired...I didn't do this whole thing with grace and there were many tears and me asking God WHY WHY WHY!! I have been working more than one job and on some days I would come home and change for the next. I was tired! God knew that and took care of me when I didn't think I could go on. God used His people to encourage me...I remember going to church one morning totally exhausted and choking back tears...a lady that I didn't know brought over a little paper that I now carry around. It had some encouraging words and this verse...Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."...there were some other things written and I just felt like I got a hug from God telling me I could do this.. but in His strength! There were also days that I would come home physically exhausted and thinking I couldn't go one more day working 15 and 16 hour days back to back...I just didn't think I could and I would walk in my house and it would be spotless. My kids had to pull together during this time and they were cleaning but not like Mama would do it kwim? I have amazing friends that came while I was at work and cleaned everything. The Friday before Mother's Day I came home to not only the house cleaned but a roast cooking and dessert made! On the table there were fresh flowers and my place was set with a note and a card...oh my gosh that is something I will never forget and I will most definitely pass on when I get the chance. Those things were what got me through because I knew I was NOT alone..I not only had God but I had the whole body of Christ! God even took care of the finances...things like my cell phone bill that went down $600 a year!! That was actually cool..I remember sitting in church and knowing that God would have to work a miracle for us to come out of this ok. I remembered the verse in Malachi that said we could test Him so I did. I literally wrote out my tithe check and said "ok God show me" and the next day my cell company offered me a loyal customer rate. It wasn't something I went seeking out...they offered it to ME! I knew that was the just the beginning so I haven't missed tithing since that day lol I figured I couldn't afford to if we were gonna make it out of this without being homeless!! I couldn't cut expenses because we already live debt free so it took miracles like that ...or the time I paid my light bill and realized with the average billing I was a month ahead and there was nothing owed! Or the water bill I overpaid so it was nothing!...or the time I house sat for friends and they paid me VERY well. Between God's miracles and my paychecks (which also come from God) we were able to make it without being late or missing ONE bill or my kids going hungry! I have received two payments and the ex has reopened our entire case....oh my word he is trying to make this messy BUT I continue to hold onto the verse Exodus 14:14 (The Message)14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"
The only contact we have had since Feb was in text message when he asked me about sending the kids to Florida. I explained my reasons why I was NOT sending them and that was the end. I was very matter of fact and didn't let my emotions enter the conversation. I do realize visitation is court ordered but I believe my reasons are valid. Plus he missed the cutoff on letting me know which weeks so we made other plans. My kids will be attending camp and my oldest will start his first job! I can't believe he is that old!! I am only working Friday and Saturday nights and even that is totally flexible. I love my second job!
This is the first summer I have had them since we moved to Oklahoma and I am totally excited about having them!! Anyway, that is where we are at...I am in the middle of a reopened case but trusting God because He never fails! I am off my main job until school starts back and enjoying the fact I work for the school system lol My life is full and my friendships are rewarding! I am SOOOO blessed even when I am tired:-) I will try to be better about blogging now that I am not working so much! Ok off to enjoy my littles....again thanks to all who emailed me!

I'm back and overwhelmed

I am here and I promise I will update as soon as I get my attitude in check. Right now it stinks and everything I say will come out whiny. My 38 days were amazing and my spiritual walk has grown..but I am tired and that makes life FEEL overwhelming. In a nutshell I am working 3 jobs right now because my ex is behind several months in child support and I still have 3 kids to feed. The justice system works slowly BUT things are happening...see he has been served papers:-)

04-21-2009 NO - 57249876 Apr 22 2009 11:30:40:060AM - $ 0.00
NOTICE OF REDIRECTION OF SUPPORT PAYMENTS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

04-24-2009 CERTS - 57293191 Apr 27 2009 2:11:16:980PM - $ 0.00
CERTIFICATE OF SERVICE


I don't understand the logic behind NOT wanting to take care of your kids but that is for God to take care of...all I can do is pray and work...and work..and work and work some more. God has so taken care of us and I don't want to leave that out..He is in this and taking care of all the details! I KNOW that and I haven't forgotten and everyday I give Him thanks...BUT I am physically beyond exhausted! I thought I knew tired before but I was mistaken. The ex has 45 days to respond so hopefully the support will start up again this summer. Anyway, I wanted to share an AMAZING blog post from a dear friend that I adore. She wrote it after someone made a comment on my facebook about God not giving us more than we can handle. I want to be clear that the person that made it is a sweetheart and didn't mean ANYthing and was just trying to encourage me. Out of that came this post and you have to read it because it is brillant and so true. Most of us our fixers and want so much to fix things but sometimes things just are what they are....so go read this:-)
http://pixiemarierose.blogspot.com/2009/04/misquoted-scripture.html

I promise I will be back and share all the amazing blessings that God has provided for us during this stressful time. I truly AM blessed and I know that! I am walking in blessings but I am walking slowly because my body wasn't meant to work this hard lol Thanks to all of those that have emailed to check on me! It is nice to be missed:-)

MIA

I will be MIA till the 20th of April. I thought I would explain so everyone doesn't all worry at once;-) I know when I get too busy to blog I start getting emails and since I won't be online to answer them I wanted to clear it up here:-) I am OKAY! For the most part my life is great! I have the best friends and the best church. I love my job and I love the teenagers I get to see daily. Sure my ex hasn't paid child support so that hasn't changed but my God hasn't changed either...He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow!! SOOOO I am not supposed to worry right?? ;-) He is my Jehovah Jireh and that is what I am standing on. I am just going to take a break because I am doing a "discipleship guide" that last 38 days and during that time it suggests that we give up the one thing that could be a distraction...the computer really is the only one I have or the only thing I do daily...And it isn't going to be easy! When I was married the computer was my only outlet. I wasn't allowed to have friends so I was pretty isolated...it is part of being in an abusive marriage. I compensated by having online friendships that have lasted 14+ yrs...I am so blessed that some of them have turned into real friends that live in the same state:-) On the computer I found support when I was struggling with infertility and pregnancy losses...I found friends when I couldn't leave the house...In some of those friends I saw Jesus and remembered that I once had a relationship with Him and was able to rekindle that love:-) I was part of a prayer loop when I was taking care of my dying MIL...Those same people that went through infertility, nursing etc were also the same people that were there "online" when I made the decision to get out. They are the ones that encouraged me and prayed with me. That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make but God put people in my life to walk through it with me...even if they were online lol But right now I am trying so hard to go deeper in my walk and if giving up the computer for 38 days will allow me to grow then I am all for it. God is and will always be my EVERYTHING. He will be the one person that will ALWAYS be in my life when others come and go...I want to know Him in ways that I never have. I want His will for my life in all that I do. I want His heart:-) SOOOO all that to say... I will be back April 20th so don't anyone worry that I am sitting home in some pit or stressing about the what ifs in my life! I really AM fine!! If you feel the need to pray then please pray for my ex...his actions are hurting his children and I can't do a thing to protect them from it. I can only show them that *I am trusting God to take care of us and hopefully my faith will help them be ok with what is going on. Hopefully something will change his heart and he will decide to take care of his children and his responsibility. Until then I know God has us in His righteous right hand and we will be ok. I will also have to make some hard decisions if my ex doesn't do something soon and that will include a second job...Anyway, I am not worrying lol have fun without me!!

Life

Life is always happening around here. I haven't wanted to blog because I don't want to sound whiny about my life when I really AM happy 98% of the time lol So here is what is going on and you can join me in praying.... My ex lost his job well over a month ago so he hasn't paid child support at ALL. I do NOT make enough to pay the bills without child support. We still have 3 children that I am raising and I know deep down he is working somewhere. He just isn't paying since they can no longer garnish his wages...His Dad owns a chain of restaurants and his latest girlfriend has her own business so I am not buying the unemployed line. SOOOO I am trusting God that He has a plan. Most of the time I really DO and I have peace. I have no problem sleeping at night and I do not lie awake thinking about how to fix this so I have grown:-) The old me would have stressed herself sick trying to figure this out. I will say that God has wonderful timing so this couldn't have happened at a better time and I am sure that is helping my faith level. My bills are paid and my kids aren't hungry so what more could I ask for? Eventually he will have to pay or go to jail but the wheels of justice move slowly. So I trust but this time not with blind faith. I am standing on Gods Word and I pulled out all of the verses that applied so I know what promises I am standing on..and it works!! Then someone at work said something the other day that made me think...I mean really think! I say I am a Christian so people are watching how I react to life. Do I fall apart? am I stressing out? Do I look like I am happy or have peace? what am I doing to make them want Jesus? How is my witness to those that are lost? Are you wondering what they said that made me get all deep and think lol I had to leave ON TIME to get to an appt with child support enforcement and I just said I had to make sure I left because I had an appt. I didn't mention what it was for and they asked if everyone was ok. They thought it was a Dr appt. Anyway, I said that the ex had lost his job and hadn't been paying support so I needed to get it on record...it is a violation of the court order and he is in contempt. I am not trying to be mean to him. My co-worker just looked at me with sad eyes and said something to the effect of how was I going to make it? I told them that Billy wasn't my provider that God is still my Jehovah Jireh and I meant it. Then on the way to the appt I started thinking that what if I had fallen apart and had been living like I didn't have faith..this has been going on for over a month....would that have hurt my witness? Yes, I AM human and that is allowed but what if I didn't get right back up when I fell? what if I stayed in that pit? what would possibly make them want a life without faith? So I started thinking about that 'intentional witness' that we have been talking about at church and small groups. Do people see ME as a Christ Follower or just like everyone else they know? Do I laugh at the same things the world does? Do I love the same way? Am I compassionate with my friends? Do they know they can depend on me or call if they need anything or am I selfish with my time? How I react to the child support situation will show my ex where I am with God also so I have to be careful about what I say and how I do this:-/ That truth made me say OUCH! Oh my flesh wants SOOOOO much to tell him he is being a deadbeat dad and a few other things but Saturday evening I felt like I was given this verse

Exodus 14:14 (The Message)
14 God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!"

Then on Sunday night the guy preaching (my pastor was in Kenya) was talking about the disciples being on the boat and panicking in the storm and they woke Jesus up and he told them to BE QUIET and BE STILL! I was like OK I GET IT!! I will BE QUIET and let YOU fight this battle for me. That doesn't mean I don't file charges but it does mean I keep my mouth shut with the ex lol I did let him know that I was going to the appt and the choice was his to pay or have to go to court but I was really nice about it. I just didn't want to feel like I did it behind his back. Now the hard part is to wait...and to trust in the waiting and not let this take over my thoughts or my life. I know the harsh reality if I don't get child support soon but I also know that God won't let that happen. He did not bring me to Oklahoma to watch my kids go hungry or be homeless. He has plans and those plans are to prosper us and NOT harm us. I can rest in that...In the waiting I need to be intentional about my life and what others are seeing. Not fake but I SHOULD have something more..I should have the fruits of the spirit in me! I should have peace that passes all understanding and if I don't I need to get in the Word and spend time with my God until I do. People are watching and what am I doing to further the kingdom? what is my witness?? this verse sums up my desire....

Philippians 4:4-7 (The Message)

4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing Music Video

I am so in love with this song right now:-) Enjoy!!

Happy 2009!!!

because I am not a bottom line person and I am wordy you might want to grab a cup of coffee before you read this:-) I am an extremely sentimental person and very reflective. It helps that I have a great memory too!!
I sat down yesterday to not only consume massive amounts of sugar and food but to reflect on 2008. It wasn't a great year but I learned SO MUCH in all of the pain.

2008 started out with a coworker burying her teenager. A teenager that attended the school where I work...Nothing like starting out the year with that:-( Feb brought more heartache when I had to watch two dear friends deal with major medical things...brain tumors and ovarian cancer!! Both are going through chemo now and doing well BUT Feb/March of last year wasn't so hopeful. I also went through the court ordeal and became single after 18yrs of marriage. You don't spend almost two decades with someone and that NOT hurt. That hurt way worse than anyone will ever know or understand unless they have been there. Those who saw me on my "anniversary" this December know how hard this has been. I know that people don't understand watching a wedding video or sitting in a self made pit on that day but it hurt. I can't explain that to those who haven't been there. This summer was also difficult and I had to go back to Florida after almost 2yrs and face family. Family that wasn't happy about my decision to leave!! There was MUCH prayer and support and it turned out great and restoration happened. This summer also had unspeakable things happen and the enemy tried to destroy me..literally....BUT what satan meant for harm God used to bless my socks off!!! It isn't anything I will share in such a public forum BUT I am truly ok!! I even had surgery this Sept because I hadn't been through enough lol Again God took care of me and my children!! Even this Christmas was a gift from Him. My kids Dad didn't show up again after a lot of empty promises! That makes every court ordered holiday this year except the summer when he HAD to return them home! This isn't easy on them either! Oh but they are covered in prayer and I have men in their lives that hopefully will make up for their Dad.
I have seen the hand of God because I am IN IT!! He holds me in His righteous right hand!!
Isaiah 41:10 (New International Version)

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have also seen joy unspeakable! I have developed friendships with women that were God ordained. I learned my gifts and how to use them...mostly lol I was called last February to be an intercessor to someone and that has taught me SO MUCH about listening to that still small voice! Amazing how much God speaks to us when we listen....when we sit long enough in silence to hear Him...there is NOTHING like it!! That turned out to be a blessing to me!! I sat yesterday and thought I could sit here and dwell on the negative but really the growth in me came OUT of the pain. I wouldn't know that I could survive anything had I not been through it! And I wouldn't have learned to totally lean on God! I am not saying I need or want to experience pain but dangit I am gonna learn something through it or its would just seem like a cruel joke! God has taught me SO MUCH this year!! I used to be that person that would immediately jump to worse case scenario which earned me the nickname "Cliff" (waving at Jesi!!) since I would go to the cliff! That doesn't describe me anymore!! I have been freed from something that my entire family does! I no longer operate in "my weakness area of worry" (that was for you C!) because I KNOW that God is in control. I have learned to give it to God! HUGE for me!! I have always needed control because my life was out of control. Most of that freedom came from understanding my personality and who I am in Christ. I understand why I react the way I do to things because I understand me and what has happened in my life to cause that....when you know WHY you can change it!! Again HUGE for me!! I know these aren't big things to everyone but I have been on my own since I was a teenager..nobody taught me these things! I jumped into an abusive relationship early and stayed because I didn't know how to get out...Now when I look back I wonder how I stayed so long!!...I moved to Oklahoma to start over and that is SO FAR out of my comfort zone but God stretched me and made me grow because He has plans for me!! And for my children!!! I was reading scripture this morning and for those who don't know I LOVE biblegateway and looking up different translations...I saw this one this morning and had to look it up in the Message

Deuteronomy 11:11-12 (The Message)

10-12 The land you are entering to take up ownership isn't like Egypt, the land you left, where you had to plant your own seed and water it yourselves as in a vegetable garden. But the land you are about to cross the river and take for your own is a land of mountains and valleys; it drinks water that rains from the sky. It's a land that God, your God, personally tends—he's the gardener—he alone keeps his eye on it all year long.

OH MY WORD!! Isn't that exciting?? I have always said Oklahoma was my promised land and I left Egypt...I left the place I lost myself and the place I had to "plant my own seed" because that was the only way to survive...but look at the end of the verse!! HE is my gardener now...He keeps eye on it ALL YEAR LONG!!! I am going into this year hoping it will be better but honestly it doesn't matter...all that matters is I keep my focus on HIM!! No matter what happens He has me:-) I CAN do all things through Christ!! God is good ALL the time and not just in the good. He is always there waiting for us to see Him. He doesn't leave us..we lose our focus and this year my prayer is that I doN'T lose that! I want His love to consume me this year!! I want Him to be my EVERYTHING and not just in words but in the way I live my life. Happy 2009!!!