9/06/2011

Sooo, it's been a year and a half since I have blogged. Some of you will be shocked by what I am about to share. Some already know and some are 'praying' it's just a phase....I am going to share from my heart so hopefully people will understand where I am coming from and maybe be more tolerant to those around them.

I guess you could call this my "coming out" story.

I want to start by saying I LOVE the Lord! I KNOW I am saved and I KNOW God created me this way. I am secure in my salvation. That is NOT up for debate. I am tired of trying to defend my position. It is between God and me. End of story.

Some wonder how I could have been married to a man for so long knowing I was a lesbian...well, let me explain because my story is not that uncommon. It is pounded into us from an early age that it is wrong to be gay and it's a sin so many of us push those feelings down.

When I was about twelve I noticed all of my friends were boy crazy. I always wondered why I wasn't. I could care less about the teen idols. In fact, I had a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my wall in the famous red bathing suit lol I should have known...

I am pretty sure I have shared this before, but I was a bus kid and I attended an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church. Not bashing the denomination but they are very legalistic and there was NO WAY my being a lesbian would ever be accepted. I did share with my youth pastor that I was not attracted to boys. His explanation was something about everyone had their cross to bear and some were born with a predisposition to alcoholism but couldn't act on it. I walked away thinking "ok I was born with these feelings but they are wrong and I can't ever act on them". Honestly, I thought it would just be that easy. I could just 'decide' I wasn't gay and be ok with that. I lived in denial for a long time.

My other hearts desire was to be a mom, so I found someone that I loved and I knew would make pretty babies:-) We had three gorgeous children and I thought I was happy. Wait. I WAS happy with the mom part, I was born to be a mother:-) Oh, I probably could have stayed married but I never really would have been fulfilled. For the long time readers, you KNOW I didn't leave him because I was gay. I NEVER wanted my kids to grow up in a broken home. I wanted the happy family with the white picket fence. I believe in the whole women should be submissive role. I embraced it. Plus my feelings were a 'sin' right? I could never live as a lesbian. My family would disown me. My kids would hate me. I was scared I would go to hell. So many crazy feelings and thoughts.

When our marriage ended I was beyond heartbroken. It was more than just a divorce to me. It was the end of my dream of having the "normal" family. So I focused on raising my children and continued putting my feelings aside. I was getting pretty good at it. When my friends started encouraging me to date I thought I would try. I went on ONE date after my divorce. I ended up crying all the way home. It wasn't him, he was the perfect gentlemen. He prayed before the date and he treated me like a lady. Everything I thought I wanted in a man. It was me, I was attracted to women and always had been. I made the decision that I would just be alone. I wasn't going to date again. Ever.

THEN...I met a woman that I had an instant attraction too. The feeling was mutual. It felt right and not one time did I feel guilty for my feelings. It felt normal. It felt so right. I never loved my ex the way I loved her. There was a heart connection that I still can't explain. I knew at that moment I couldn't continue living a lie. For reasons I don't want to get into in such a public forum we can never be a couple BUT that love gave me the courage to be truthful about who *I* am.

Sooooo I came out of the closet.

First, to the people I worked with...then I started making friends with other lesbians.
I finally got the courage to share with my closest friends to see how the people that 'love me the most' would react. Needless to say they were SHOCKED. One started crying and had to hang up with me. Things haven't been the same with any of them. They say how much they love me but they will never accept my lifestyle choices. I know it was a shock, but I am the same person I have always been. I am still Barbie. I still love people with all my heart. I would still do anything for my friends. The only thing that changed was I accepted who God made me to be.

Sadly, I lost a LOT of friends over this. It isn't something I just up and decided. It was so hard for me. I wish that people would understand that rather than jump to judgement. I keep hearing "seek God"..well, I DID! I researched the scriptures and prayed. I even went to a couple of women in the church for guidance. How can I feel these things and they not feel wrong? Why did I not feel guilty?? Was I being deceived? They prayed and sent me text messages and scriptures. Nothing made the feelings go away. I am who I am. It took almost a year but I have accepted that and I am proud of the person God made me. The only thing that hurts is the attitudes of my friends. It still hurts to hear "I will always love YOU, but I can never accept your lifestyle choice"....well, first it wasn't a choice and secondly, it is who I am. You canNOT separate the two. It doesn't define me but it's a part of me.

I have been very open with discussing this and the scriptures. I even emailed with my former pastor until he made the discussion personal. I was not made gay because of things that have happened to me. I was more than willing to discuss actual scriptures until he said I just hated men. I have two boys I am raising. I do NOT hate men. I am just not attracted to them. People feel that because they disagree with homosexuality that they have the right to judge. Well, God judges, the Holy Spirit convicts, and we are just called to love. We don't walk around to people in the church and call them out on things we think are sin. I have never heard someone go to another woman in the church and say "I will always love you, but I will not accept your gossiping. I just can't. God says its wrong so therefore, I have to point it out"...NOBODY does that. If you feel it is wrong, pray. Don't make the people that you feel need God the most, not feel welcome in the church. By your words you think we need God the most, so why aren't you doing everything to get the word in me instead of making me feel like an outsider. Loving someone even when you disagree with them is way more powerful than judgement. There is so much more to my story, but that's a start:-) I hope that by sharing this not only will people understand it better, but hopefully be more accepting to things they don't understand. We are a normal family. Mom just happens to be gay:-)

4 comments:

Mittie said...

Barbie, you don't "know" me but I'm a friend of Jesi's from the message board from way back. I have a tendency to blog stalk because I love learning about people - kind of a sociological thing.

Anyway - you don't know me, we'll proabbly never meet, but I just had to tell you that I AM PROUD OF YOU! It IS possibile to be a daughter of our Heavenly Father, be gay, and be proud of who you are. I find it sad that some people use the scriptures as ammunition, when we (mere mortals) are called to love. That's all, just love. The greatest commandment of all :)

Saska said...

I wondered what happened to you!

God loves us all...no matter what. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

Anonymous said...

Barbie, I remember you telling me about this blog, so I had to come read it! It is a shame that you have lost so many friends over this, but one person you haven't lost is ME! I do accept you for who you are, whether you are gay, sad, mad, or wanting to go Dancing with the Stars!! You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and yes, your children are pretty and handsome. Everyone needs to find their place in this life, and be able to be Happy!! I understand what you have been through, why you moved here, and I am so glad you are not still stuffed in your closet!! Lol I got after your chiren, told them they would get in trouble for doing that...lol!! Anyway, I see that you are much happier, and contented with sharing your "truth" with the world. It takes a lot of courage to do that, and "No" you didn't do this to hurt others, you only did this to reveal to everyone that you have had an amazing revelation in your life, You have found yourself again, and are not going to deny yourself the "truth of who you really are any longer" and that is incredibly wonderful!! Please know, I am your friend, always have been, and always will be, no matter what!! That's what "true" friendship is all about!! Again, sorry for your former friends responses and actions towards you, with lack of acceptence. But I will leav you with this quote my Grandfather always said to me; don't judge others for when you point your finger at them, you can know their are two fingers pointing back at YOU!! Love you Barbie, always, a:-)

The Swan in.me said...

Just thinking about Jesi and bouncing on blogs and remembering what a big part in her life you were. I am proud of you (and I bet Jesi is too)for standing up for what you are AND what you believe in. :)