Drum roll please

I promised I would name the Rockin Girl Bloggers today so here ya go....

Oh but first I want to really thank Clem for the kind words she wrote about me on her blog. I think you rock too!! Your words just blessed me so much. If you haven't known me long faith has always been such a struggle for me because it means letting go and trusting God. My lack of faith is why I didn't leave my marriage a long time ago. So to be told that I "ooze faith" just blessed me and reminded me of how far I have come. This year has been such a challenge for me and I think I understand better how the people felt when they left Egypt..sometimes it seems easier to just keep doing what you have always done because change IS hard and grumbling comes so easy. Oh I think this song explains it best. It is by Sara Groves

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Wait I said I was going to tell you who I thought the Rockin Girl Bloggers were and I got off on something else:-P Not hard for me because I think I have ADD:-D
Ok since you all know I think Oklahoma Rocks I am going to pick Oklahoma bloggers. Some of you I have met and some I can't wait to meet:-) Just email me and we can do lunch dahling! You know my schedule is just so flexible right now;-)

So without making this much longer

I will start with Grace...She is such a sweet blogger AND she makes cheesecake which is a plus...see that was a HUGE hint in case ya'll missed it. I love me some dessert lol We haven't met yet but we will:-)

Then I will head on over to ~*~Jesica~*~who I had the privilege of meeting last week. You wouldn't know that we just met to hear us together! I even took her dh on a date which just seems weird but trust me it wasn't lol I LOVE her kids and I had forgotten how much I enjoy babies. She talks just as much as I do so we closed down a Starbucks one night and I got home after midnight TWICE!

Then we have Kilikina who I haven't met either but she is really pregnant so I won't bug her:-) SOOOO sweet though!! Oh my gosh and go check out the pic on June 18th of her little basketball belly...I can't figure out how to link that one but it is TOOOOOO cute!! She is contracting right now so send some easy labor prayers..I am so excited for her lol

And we can't forget Merci who I have also met and mentioned on here before:-) She is an amazing person and I love reading her blog. She blesses me just by breathing. You know that friend that just knows your heart without you saying a word? that is her:-) I can honestly say I could not have gotten through this last year without her love and support. You really do rock lol

Last but not least is someone new to Oklahoma Robin who moved here from Texas. She is REAL and that is a huge plus in my book. And she loves my Jesus and that shows.

So consider yourself Rockin Girl Bloggers!!

Thank You!

Look I rock! At least Clem thinks so:-) How sweet is she AND she has met me IRL! Yeah you can all be jealous now because I have met her :-P~~~~~~~~
I know the rule is to pick 5 and I will do that....tomorrow:-) I have to apologize but my head is pounding and looking at the computer screen makes me want to take an ice pick to my sinuses to relieve some of this pressure. Oh my word the rain won't STOP and for some reason I seem to be allergic to rain. Yeah and we are on day 16 of consecutive rain:-(

In other news if you live within a square mile of my church and woke up to find an American flag in your front yard...you're welcome lol ~*~Jesica~*~ helped so you can thank her too:-) There were over 1200 flags so obviously we had help;-) Doesn't it look pretty though?? Ok I am going to crawl back into my covers and pray the rain stops or the pounding in my head does.

FYI

I am still alive:-)
I am sick of boxed meals
I miss home cooking
AND
I miss my kids like crazy!! After spending a couple of days doing nothing I had to get out and see people. I got to meet another "imaginary friend" from the internet. She was actually a friend of a friend or a friend of a friend's friend lol I spent Saturday and Sunday with her family and remembered how much I love babies! I stayed out till almost midnight both nights! I am like a little kid with so much freedom. They even went to church with me and found out why I love my church so much. Don't worry I have been trying to spread my love around so I don't drive just one person crazy lol Of course, my favorite person in the whole world picked the time my kids went out of town to go on vacation...yeah she did!! And just when I needed her the most... Isn't that so wrong?? She is home now and I fully expect her to make it up to me by going to lunch or dinner with me SOON:::::::::BIG GRIN:::::::::(did that work cuz I know you are reading? ;-) ) I AM kidding for those who don't know me. Guilt would never work with her;-) FTR she did send me a card that arrived while she was gone so how sweet is she??? Other than that I am just watching the rain fall. I AM SO SICK OF RAIN. I thought I moved to a drier place but it has rained like two weeks straight.

Rain rain go away!!

First let me say I just feel blessed that so many people care about my feelings. I have sat here and cried happy tears at some of the emails I have received. I didn't mean to make it sound like all I am doing is crying in this post.... I AM having a hard time because I really haven't been away from my kids. I miss them and I feel like part of me is gone. I think this is part of the loss..the sending them away for visitation is just another part of divorce that hurts. I know I have said it a million times but I never thought this is how my life would turn out. I think it is the loss of the dream that I am mourning still and it is a process. A LONG process. I miss the person I thought I married. I don't miss the abuse and I don't miss the hurt. I don't know if I have shared here but I am not ready to date. For one the divorce isn't final but the bigger reason is I don't want to repeat the same pattern. I want to know why I stayed as long as I did. Why did I excuse behaviors and allow bad things to happen? I wouldn't want that for anyone else so why did *I* stay? Did I not think I was important enough? did I think I deserved it? Until I have some answers I will be single. I am taking this time to learn who I am in Christ. Everyday I learn something new. I think the kids being gone is helping me face some things head on. I was going to try and stay as busy as I could so I didn't have to think about it but God told me to "STOP and listen" so today that is what I have done. Today I turned off the phones, turned off the radio and tv and cleaned...Cleaning helps me relax and think. I focus better when I am cleaning. I don't have anyone here so talking out loud to God seems normal lol I am just taking my time and thanking God for what I have. I know I left so much behind and some days that bothers me that I am in a different income bracket and I live on a tighter budget...but today I remembered that I am not in debt, my bills are paid and what I have is mine. Don't get me wrong I am far from materialistic..I just didn't know I would be starting over at 37 lol
But I am blessed.
I have friends that love me.
I have people that have lived this that have emailed me some really encouraging things that give me hope.
I have people that haven't lived this but know my heart and they have blessed me beyond measure.
I have people that challenge me,
people that lift me up,
people that sit and cry with me and feel my pain,
people that carry me to God's feet...what more could I ask for??
I can also say that I am breaking the cycle for my kids and as hard as that has been it will be worth it...My dd will grow up and know who she is in Christ. My boys will know how to treat their wives and stop the cycle that has continued in the family for years.
I really am blessed.
God gave me the strength and courage to do something I never thought possible. Some days it still feels like a dream. Some days I wonder who that person was that was able to break free and then I remember that I can do all things through Christ..it was in His strength that I was able to do it.
It hurts still but it will be worth it.
Watching God's hand in our lives has been something none of us will soon forget. My kids will always remember and hopefully when God asks them to do something outside of their comfort zone they will remember that God takes care of all the details.
And that means God knew they would be going to Florida and He will take care of them. He will watch over and protect them. I have that to hold onto:-)

The question that seems to be on everyone's lips is "what are you doing without your kids??" so I am going to answer that for you...

just don't be jealous cuz my life is so interesting:-P

Saturday

I said goodbye to my kids and cried
called a dear friend and cried to her
cried some more
talked to everyone else in the family but didn't cry
hung up and cried
talked to several friends that called but didn't cry
hung up and cried
talked to kids
hung up and cried myself to sleep

Sunday

Woke up and turned the alarm off
I decided not to go to church because of the whole Fathers Day thing
decided my house was way too quiet
cried
remembered I hadn't eaten in over 24hrs when I started feeling sick
ate some soup
talked to kids who were in Alabama by this time
cried myself to sleep

Monday

woke up at 9
answered some emails
decided it was too early and went back to bed
set alarm for NOON lol
Got up and started day
called bank about buying a house
Went to Dr for full physical including my girly parts
realized it was more action than I have had in a long time;-)
Celebrated by having dinner at a friends house lol
ate steak and watched tivo
made mental note that when I start watching more tv and become less cheap I really want tivo
went grocery shopping alone and stocked up on food that I could cook for just one.
talked to kids who were in Florida by this time
cried myself to sleep

Tuesday

Bank called me back and I was approved
Friend from church picked me up and we spent day together
Went shopping (I HATE shopping)
ate at a restaurant that was new to me...really enjoyed the food:-)
went to see a horror flick
shopped some more
came home and took a nap
laughed on phone with a different friend
thanked God for the people in my life
got ready for a storm that was supposed to be really bad
talked to my kids
cried because I miss them SOOOOOOOOOOO much
started reading a book
fell asleep and missed the whole storm

Wednesday

woke up at 10:30 to phone ringing
bank called and wanted a name for the realtor I was using
finished reading the book I started the night before
thought about cleaning and quickly pushed that thought out of my head
went to store for batteries and cleaning stuff just in case I change my mind
ate at Braums
took a nap again
woke up at 7pm
typed this:-)

Now aren't you glad you asked??

Sniff Sniff

I think they miss the kids too:*( It is too quiet.....

::::::sigh::::::

Today is the day they leave. It was supposed to be on Thursday but their Dad had some scheduling issues so he is on his way right now. He is in Texas so he should be here some time this afternoon. I am having a hard time. I couldn't sleep last night knowing I have to say goodbye today. I sat and stared at them most of the night just like I did when they were babies. You know things weren't supposed to turn out like this:*( I said "till death do us part" and I meant it but sometimes you don't have a choice...I shouldn't have to say goodbye to my children because of someone elses actions. It doesn't seem fair. I am trying so hard to remember this is about them spending time with their Dad....that God knows what is best and loves them even more than I do and He will take care of them....that this will be a good thing. It's soooooooooooooooo hard and if the tears right now are any indication the next 6 weeks are going to be rough. How do you stop being a Mom after 13 yrs? How do I turn that off? I should have children to cook for and do laundry for and clean up after. I shouldn't have an empty nest while they are 7, 10 and 13! This really really really sucks:******(

OUCH!!

I feel like such a horrible Mom!! My children are sunburned!! We spent the day at the pool with my favorite people and I swear the sun is hotter in Oklahoma! How else do you explain 3 children who were born and raised in FLORIDA getting their first sunburns in Oklahoma?!! My poor middle child's face is burnt to a crisp:-( His lips are so red they look like he is wearing lipstick. He also looks like he had botox injections because he isn't moving his face lol I had to get him to smile fast for the picture. Even I am red and I NEVER burn. I am sure their Daddy will get a good laugh at me when he picks them up since I am the one that doesn't wear sunscreen because the sun seems to avoid me. There were many nights of me rubbing aloe on his sunburn while I sat there white as a ghost AFTER spending the day at the beach. I always figured it was the Native American in me. That sure doesn't explain today lol They are exhausted from all the fun they had today so they said it was worth it:-) Kids are so funny but *I* feel bad because it looks painful. I just rubbed them down with aloe and we are going to watch a movie since they are tired. Even with sunburn they are cute aren't they? :-D I had a week of fun planned before they leave but I am thinking the zoo day may have to wait till they get back:-/ BTW the oldest WILL get a haircut when he comes back from Florida lol I am gonna miss their faces:::sigh::::I hope it gets easier

Car Update

This is my car----->

I just thought I would update ya'll on my car situation:-) Remember this post? Well, it was last Sunday that I was told they were towing my car and would let me know something. I hadn't heard anything all week and I was honestly starting to worry a little. I can go worst case scenario real quick...it is one of my many skills;-) I refused to call to find out because I was trying to just trust that God was taking care of it...again hard for me to do but I managed without so much as ONE phonecall. This morning I went to church and the man that took my keys last Sunday sat across from me and nobody said a word about the car. NOT ONE WORD. Talk about trying not to panic. After SS I was packing up my Bible and getting ready to leave and wondering if I should say anything and he said "Barbie did anyone call you about your car?...it is ready and will be delivered to the church tomorrow"...I asked what ended up being the problem and like it was totally nothing he said "you were right it was the transmission so they just put a NEW Ford transmission in it"...I just started bawling..I don't mean a little tear... I MEAN bawling! HOW in the heck do you thank someone for that?? I know it might not seem like a lot to someone else but to me this is HUGE. I need a car. I was told that the men in the church had already taken care of it so I personally walked around and thanked as many as I could. Lots of tears were shed today and not all by me lol One man looked at me and said "you can thank me by hugging my neck" and I did:-) Then he went on to explain that THIS is what churches are supposed to do...they are supposed to be the body of Christ and take care of the single folk. I can't tell you how blessed I feel and how unworthy I feel all at the same time....BUT once again God's provision is amazing and once again I just know this is where I am supposed to be..God has had His hand in this from the beginning and continues to take care of us...even when I doubt.

Who knew wrestling could make me cry??

I have been doing really good with my children being gone for 6 WHOLE WEEKS! I keep telling myself that I have given this to God and He knows best and my children will be just fine...plus the majority of their time will probably be with my parents anyway. I am ok with that. The ex or stbx still works nights and you can't leave 3 children alone all day. It all sounds great huh? I will have a summer alone...free to do whatever I want...whenever I want....
Then someone PLEASE tell me why it hurts so dang bad??!! This morning when I went to wake up the boys...wait this AFTERNOON lol...my middle child said "it's Friday Mom!! do you know what that means?!!" and both boys yelled "FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN!!" and at first I laughed and then it hit me that this is the last Friday I will hear that...then I cried:*( Does their Daddy know that life stops at 7pm CST so they can watch wrestling?? does he know what their favorite snacks are? does he even know them? I know you are thinking I haven't even been gone a year and these are his kids but I gotta tell you he has worked nights for most of their lives so he wasn't home. I can't imagine not seeing their faces every night before I go to bed. I can't imagine them being so far that I can't just jump in the car and give them a hug. I think I was in denial that it would hurt this much. Every time they walk by me today I just squeeze them and think I am so gonna miss them:***( I am so not good with goodbyes....for those that talk to me on the phone here is your fair warning....do NOT ask me about my kids leaving unless you are prepared for the tears that will follow...I can't even fake this not hurting...these are MY babies and they are leaving in 5 days:**(

My Weekend, My Car, My God:-)

There was a time not to long ago that little things would totally stress me out. You have to understand that I have a NEED to plan and know what is happening next. God has truly been working on me but like a spoiled brat I still worry and stress out. That brings me to my weekend. I believe with everything in me that God brought me to Oklahoma. That doesn't mean I have had an easy road but the provision of God has been amazing. Not one time have I doubted that God would take care of us and my kids will never forget this lesson either. Saturday the kids and I decided to go grocery shopping and to Blockbuster. As we approached the intersection to turn my car stopped going forward. It was still running but wouldn't go when I hit the gas. My heart sank because I just knew this was my transmission. If you are a long time reader you know I bought this car in July a few weeks before I moved here. I believe that God provided this car for us because it came at a time I didn't know what I was going to drive since our cars in Florida were not in my name. Out of nowhere came the opportunity to buy a car that I could afford. It is a 2000 Ford Taurus. Something happening to my car was always a fear because here I am 1200+ miles from family and what am I going to do without a car?? Normally I would cry and throw a fit and then try and figure out how *I* was going to fix this. This time I grabbed my kids hands and said "let's just go get our groceries and I will call Mr. ___ and see if he can bring us home". The kids were so funny because I think they were waiting for the tears or the all out fit and they were saying things like "hey think of all the money we will save in gas" or "we can just walk everywhere because we could use the exercise" lol I know they were trying to cheer me up and it was working. We came home and after we put the food away I went to my room. I was going to pray but decided that would just come out in sobs so I thought God talking to me would be better:-) I grabbed my Bible and just soaked in His word. I didn't call anyone to cry. I didn't freak. I didn't even email the one person that I knew would pray with her whole heart. I just gave it to God...totally. I did call a friend from church and asked for a ride on Sunday morning. I am 4 people so I had to find someone that would be alone or had a huge van lol Skipping church was NOT an option because I needed to go and this was not going to get me down. She is an important person so she had to be there early and one of the ladies in my SS class asked why I was there so early so I told her who I rode with. Her dh immediately asked what was wrong with my car and I told him that it was in the Braums parking lot and I thought my transmission went out. He grabbed my keys and another man and they left to go see about my car. Before church was out they had brought it to the church parking lot and told me it was my transmission. I think I took a deep breath and he quickly added that he had enough men in the church that had already committed to making sure my car was running that it was ok. Did you catch that??! ALREADY committed!! God had a plan in place before I even needed it! Isn't that just so God?? I have a dear friend that has been trying to teach me this lesson for years...when things happen I always hear her little southern accent saying "God isn't up there thinking...oh shoot! I forgot about Barbie! What am I gonna do now?" but that He knows and already has a plan. I just need to learn to trust. Such a hard lesson but one I think I may be starting to get:-) Isn't God just so amazing?? and not because He is taking care of my car but because I was really OK before I knew His plan. I was even counting my blessings and thinking it was a good thing it didn't happen when I got lost across town or when I was working or when the kids needed to go to the Dr...It couldn't have happened at a better place or time. That is the amazing part..I actually saw growth in ME because I allowed God to do His thing:-) Oh and I have to share this part with you. Another friend called me today and told me that I could use her vehicle till mine was fixed because she could just drive the truck and when I hesitated she told me she was already adding me to the insurance for the week so I had to hush. I hung up and called the kids in the living room because I don't want them to miss this blessing from God and I shared with them the verse I read in 1 Peter yesterday...its 1 Peter 5:10 and I am not linking it so go grab your Bible and read it:-) I told them how the men in the church had already committed to making sure our car was ok and how my other friend was going to loan us hers...my oldest son said "it is like having God insurance on the car"....yes, it is son...it is just like that:-)

Lost Cause:-)

I have told you before but I am seriously directionally challenged! I could use the excuse that I am still fairly new to Oklahoma but I never learned my way around Florida either!! Back before cell phones were real popular I remember trying to run one simple errand for my dh and a couple hours later and several stops trying to figure out how to get back I explained where I had been...Florida has bridges and I saw several that day so I was in tears trying to tell him what took so long I was like "the big blue bridge? that one! and the really HIGH red bridge that scares me?? I was on that one too and you know I am terrified of that one! I was also on some bridge that looks really cool but I had never been on that one ever!" Here I am crying because I had this newborn that doesn't like car rides and I was LOST and him and another guy just burst out laughing at how someone could get SO lost. That was 13yrs ago and I am not any better now!! Yesterday I had to go 19.69 miles from my home...I was armed with a mapquest map AND a map from my wonderful friend aka mapquest for dummies who understands how bad I really am so she types out things like "leave your apt and turn left" or "turn at On the Border" instead of saying thing like go west and take 1-whatever interstate that is.....it is the On the Border one to me. The worst thing is having to call her and tell her I still managed to get lost so I really try not to get lost. Its always an adventure with me lol I was driving trying to find a single digit exit and they were all triple digits so I was already worried. I looked at the directions a million times and then I saw the airport exits and freaked...I said a little prayer and hoped she had her coffee and was awake lol Apparently Mapquest and Mapquest for Dummies forgot to mention that if I actually stay ON the interstate I will end up in Lawton and I need to curve and take some other one 1-240 or something and the numbers will change. I only had to turn around ONCE and I made it ok. Then I left and remembered that I didn't do reverse directions and I had no idea how to get home...don't say just go the opposite way because that NEVER works for me!! So I call her back and leave an "I'M LOST" message and she calls me back. Even with her ON THE PHONE I still managed to take like 4 different interstates! FOUR!!! AND ended up either IN or near another city. I just checked my cell phone and the poor woman spent almost 30mins trying to get me somewhere I wasn't lost..btw thank you again! I really don't understand it either. If you knew how good my memory truly is you would probably be as confused as I am lol I can tell you so many useless facts but I can't get across the street without getting lost at least once @@ So I share this with you because I am just going to embrace this part of me and laugh along with you:-D Just remember if you live in OKC and we go off together just let me pay for gas and you drive unless you want to take a VERY scenic route:-)

Who I Am In Christ

I am accepted...

John 1:12 I am God's child.
John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Romans 5:1 I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Corinthians 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.
Ephesians 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Colossians 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.
Hebrews 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

I am secure...

Romans 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.
Romans 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Romans 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Philippians 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18 I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.


I am significant...

John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Corinthians 3:16 I am God's temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Ephesians 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10 I am God's workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.